Exactly 6 Years Ago

It was exactly 6 years ago that we first met at one of the grandest celebration being held in Cebu, the Sinulog Festival and coincidentally it is the same date today, January 15. I know I shouldn't dwell much on this because "Past is Past" which I had been forcing myself to think and believe for 9 months already. But can you blame me? This was one of the events that really reminds me of him, of us, of what we used to have. The first time I was able to really join and celebrate Sinulog in which I went out of the house even if my lolo didn't allow me to, was when we first met. And for 5 years, oh actually 4 since last year he didn't want me to tag along with him which started our ending, he was my companion on walking the streets, holding my umbrella, guiding the road. So can you blame me if this particular day, this event and festivity would always remind me of him? Both happy and sad memories combined.

I joined another group for this year so I can make new memories, I wanted to have fun and enjoy this day as if it was my first time to join Sinulog and erase all the past memories of this. But I know I can't and it just can't be, though I was hoping I would find someone who would help me make those memories; unfortunately I wasn't able to find one, I guess I wasn't looking at all. I was looking but I was afraid I might spot him along the crowd with her. He is just so UNFAIR!!! And I'm just so damn STUPID, why am I still feeling this way?

I'm tired of this feeling, why can't I just stop thinking about him? I don't even now if he can associate this event with me? His cousin told me that he had written our sort of love story in his compiled songs and so? It really doesn't matter, why should I care? I hate him, I hate myself even more for acting such a fool. Luckily, I only act as a fool in this blog, I hardly tell anyone about my true feelings especially that it has been  9 months. Can you believe it, 9 months and I'm still recovering, DAMN! There's really something wrong with me and I know the only cure for this pain is the one that had inflicted it in the first place - Love.

Maybe it was because my companions for today were couples or was it that nobody was carrying my umbrella anymore? No, actually it was more on that I had no company to go to Sto. Nino Church, I had no one to constantly check, text and yell where to find each other, I walked along the road and through the crowds alone, and I went home all ALONE. I hate the feeling that I need someone by my side, is it my fault that I was accustomed to it for 5 years? Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I'll just deny everything I said here.

2011 - My Rollercoaster Year

Life is a roller coaster ride, as they say,

And as most of you know, this year wasn't that OK,
2011 has been one heck of a ride,
With so many twisted loops from every side.

I had plunge into one of the deepest valley,
It felt like it was indeed an endless journey,
Alone and breathless, I started to shiver and cry,
But surprisingly, somebody had raise me up, up in the sky.

So then I realized I wasn't and never was alone in this ride,
I had my family and friends who never left my side.
Though the ride wasn't that smooth all through the way,
I wasn't that afraid anymore, I just sit tight and pray.

Now as I try to recall, 2011 wasn't that bad at all
I had been to many places and even met some new and old friendly faces.
God has His own ways of answering a prayer,
Honestly I don't understand but I know it's for the better.

Thanks for riding along with me this year,
and for bringing joys and cheers!

Haunted by the Past

Was it merely a coincidence that October 31 is Halloween where ghost from the past would likely to haunt you  or was it intentionally done to make the hairs stand. Whatever the reason is I really felt the goosebumps when my ex had subscribed my Facebook account, I mean common - what for? what now? 

I really don't know if it was really him or his curly-haired elderly-faced girlfriend checking into my account. When that notification popped up in my account, I thought I was just hallucinating then I looked at it again and then I saw their faces so I was not hallucinating his name appearing in my profile but the question is WHY? WHY? WHY? 

If it really was him why would he subscribe? I know for a fact when you subscribe to a person you can get updates from him/her without adding him/her as a friend. Does he want to be updated with my life? And then I go back to the question WHY? He wants to know how am I doing, my status, my life or whatsoever then WHY? So I know now that he still views my profile maybe once in awhile, is he stalking me? I want to laugh thinking about this, now who has not gotten over between the two of us? I stopped stalking them months ago even before our final talk, I never bothered them from the start just a little poke here and there, I never said a word directly against them even if it was so tempting at that time. Why can't he leave me alone once and for all, he had made his decision, and though it had hurt me so much, I accepted it.

Well, if that was the elderly-faced woman it's another story if I'll know that it was really her. A fight she wants then a fight she'll get, I won't really back-off if she'll start the spark I'll blow it up for her, lol. But honestly, I don't think she deserves my time and attention. What's her intention? So that I can be able to get a glimpse of them together? Is that how low she is? I really don't mind and besides I already saw that though it hurt at first but then I thought okay so? If she's insecure about me, then that's good to know. She should be because from the start I never showed any sign of insecurities towards her, when I knew it was her I can't help but laugh and wonder - HER? Oh Please. 

Whether it was him or her, it was unsubscribed immediately like a ghost it appeared then disappeared. I don't want anything to do with him anymore, I blocked him from my Facebook as suggested by a friend. We don't need any updates, whatever connections we had before, everything should be cut off. I just don't want anything to do with him, I don't want to see him anymore, I don't think I'm angry like I said I don't want to hold any grudge so to avoid building up that grudge, I just want to move on and leave the past behind. I asked my some of my friends and most of my family member to delete him in their accounts. I think he would notice by now, and I should not care anymore if he's hurt, I was hurt too - sooo much. 

All I ask is TIME and DISTANCE from each other and that is all. I never closed my window for our friendship but I already locked the door shut for what we had before. Nothing we'll ever be the same, everything had changed.

6 months and counting...

Can you believe that 6 months had already passed since we broke up? And can you even believe that 6 months had already passed and I'm still going ga-ga on what to do about this heart-wrenching pain that keeps on coming back again and again. Oh God, I really don't know what to do anymore. I tried everything and I mean everything that I can do just to get over him and this stupid past relationship but I still end up crying. I did what wasn't really the common things a girl should do when faced with this kind of heartbreak which are the following:

1. No Grudge - From the start, I made a promise to him and myself that I would not and will not hold any grudge on him. Though there are times that I feel like I want to hit him and shout at his face which fortunately I cannot and hopefully will  not do . Good luck to him and to me if I explode - boom. But God said, harden not your hard and that is all I want to do.

2. Ignored the OTHER woman - I could say that I have second thoughts on why I did this but then I know I did what was right, maybe not in the eyes of the many but in the eyes of God. There are lot of times that I despised the OTHER woman than my ex-boyfriend, and I guess that's just the normal reaction of anyone who lost something precious that supposedly belonged to her. This was really very hard to control, even until now, I still don't like to see that elderly-faced curly-haired woman. She's lucky I didn't confront her, I really cannot imagine myself if that would happen. I didn't make a fool out of myself and thank God; but if I hear a word about her talking about me, then a fight she wants, a fight she gets.

3. Mouth-zipped. Even if my world was in topsy-turvy and I wanted to let it out, I kept everything in silent thinking that this is the way I can get over him. But NO, they said you have to let it out, but then if I let it out my friends would say I still haven't got over him yet. So I decided to be stay mummed about any subjects about him and it did worked for my friends side since they thought I'm okay now, but deep inside everything is just ready to burst but I don't know to whom I should let it out. I know my friends are tired of listening to me, I'm even tired of myself. So I have no choice, I'm trying to be strong because that is what they expect me to be. I'm afraid this I might have a breakdown or something.

4. Trust in God. I put everything in God's hands now, I truly believe that this is what He has planned for me; though I might not understand it but I put all my trust in Him. I know one thing for certain is that He has greater plans for me and He doesn't want me to make a mistake I might really regret, and that is why this has happened. Everything has a reason, I know it's for the best, I just have to learn how to accept it fully with arms wide open. 

I survived September 29

I thought this day would be a headache but I was wrong. Everything went well more than I expected it to be. Thank you Lord. Actually I was afraid and confused, I hate it when something reminds me of him; I know it would really take a long time for this to heal, I tried everything that I can do but still there are times (so many too mention) that memories keep on flashing back and tears just fall out of my eyes uncontrollably. Actually I made a poem before his birthday came to an end, I was going to post or send it to some friends but then it wouldn't do any good. So I just saved it in my mobile but it got deleted so I made another one, similar to the original.

Happy Birthday bB
The revised version (Lost the original)

This day holds so many memories,
A lot of sleepless nights of making scrapbooks, songs and poetries;
I can't help but smile remembering those days,
But here we are now going separate ways.

I guess those memories are just hard to forget
It keeps on replaying like an old cassette
And sometimes I just can't help but cry
Knowing that we already said our goodbyes

Who would have thought this would happen?
I know I didn't, it was really so sudden.
You said you didn't want to see me in pain
But it's too much, I just can't explain.

God has a reason, I may not fully understand
But I know everything is going accordingly as planned
I put all my trust in God the Almighty
I know someday I'll smile again wholeheartedly.

For now, it will just be this way,
Happy Birthday is all I wanted to say.
And indeed I hope you are happy,
I wish you all the best bB.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I prayed that this month would be a better one for me but it was the complete opposite. I thought everything would be okay, I mean it's been 5 months already and I'm so tired, I really don't know what to do anymore. I did everything that I can do but the pain is just too much, I guess I was suppressing the pain that I feel inside and I don't know how to let it out, should I cry? Again? When will my tears run dry? 

People think that I'm okay now, that's good, since I really don't want them to see that I'm so weak inside. They can see the smile on my face, but they don't know I'm hurting deep inside. So I decided to tell them not to update me anymore about my EX's life, I don't care if they had communicated, I don't care if they see him especially with that elderly faced curly-haired woman. I just don't care anymore, I don't want to hear anything about him, I want him out of my life BECAUSE it's just too painful. 

Updates that I received from my friends/family are the following:

1. A friend of mine had exchanged comments in FB with my Ex. She told him that we'll be going out to Rainforest Park and my ex said he'd like to come but I know he's still ashamed. I didn't read their comments, I just don't want to. He said that maybe soon, he'll be joining us again. At first, I was like it's okay but then I changed my mind; NO! He can no longer be part of the group, he can only join us once I have a new boyfriend already and I'm dead serious.

2. Another friend of mine saw him and the elderly faced curly-haired OTHER woman in the mall where I last saw them. I really have a phobia now when entering that mall, I just don't like to see them together, especially that b*tch because I might do something that I'll surely regret. It was a good thing that I was able to handle myself well during the first time I saw them but I just don't know anymore why my hatred towards that b*tch grew deeper now.

3. My younger sister either through chat or comment had communicated with him, I guess he greeted her on her birthday. I didn't like to hear the details but she only said that he asked how am I doing? How am I doing? Does he really want to know? B*llshit! He told my sister to take care of my younger brothers and take care of me? Huh? What do you care? Can he just STOOOOOOOOP communicating with my friends and family? I hate hearing news about him asking about me, it's just b*llshit!

I apologize for some words in this post, I just cannot control my feelings anymore. I tried very hard not to get this pain and most especially the grudge I feel to overwhelm me but I can't help it. I forgave him but I just cannot forget. Oh Lord, please help me. There's also this movie NO OTHER WOMAN, that's driving me nuts and some of friends are tagging me on this topic. Well, I guess I'm stupid coz I kept on posting about it also, lol. Why is it everything today there's always anOTHER woman, they should be ashamed of themselves. And just yesterday, I just don't know why her elderly faced popped in my wall, does she really want me to post her face and tagged her THE OTHER WOMAN? If her face was Christine Reyes as his father had said then it wouldn't be hard for me to accept and move on. But oh common, you replaced me with her? Not to brag or be rude but I can really question his taste, maybe that's why he hasn't posted a photo of them together, I want to know the reaction of everybody. Hahaha!

And then, the worst part of September is his birthday which is really getting nearer and nearer and I'm getting crazier and crazier each day. When we broke of peacefully, I already decided right there and then that I wouldn't greet him on his birthday nor congratulate him when he graduates (I really thought before that I would take a rest day for this event but now I'm no longer part of it :( It hurts to know that I have been there for him, I even made some of his assignments and projects when it comes to writing and reflection,  and I wanted to witness that day when he finally graduates from college).

I deactivated my Facebook just now and will reactivate it on October, it's not that I cannot control myself from greeting him but I'm just anxious about who will be greeting him on that day. I hope he didn't post his birthday because we have lots of common friends, I hope they're smart enough not to bring topics about us. I really hope, but then sometimes I imagine I like it to happen and I know some of their supportive friends would react or something, maybe my friends would react too which would be quite a scene I love to imagine but only imagine. This is also the no.1 reason why I didn't want them to update me anymore, I just told them earlier so that it will stick in their heads and mine too. So it would really be better to wake me up when September ends... 

Who am I Kidding?

I tried my best to be strong,

Even though I know everything is wrong.

No matter how much I try to hide the pain,

It keeps coming back and it's driving me insane.

I really don't know what to do anymore,

Lord, PLEASE, help me find a cure.

Though I know I'll get over this somehow

But I want to end this hurting now.

I pretended to be okay,

Coz that is what I want people to say.

But really who am I kidding?
This pain is just too overwhelming.