If that wasn't LOVE, then I don't know what love is.

It's been quite awhile since my last post and I really wasn't planning to write in this blog anymore though I check it sometimes together with my other blog. Anyway, there's really no update between me and my old friend but just lately because of a common friend, this topic surfaced again. 

The word LOVE is a common term being used today but it's unusually difficult to define. It's a feeling, yes, it's a variety of different feeling but how would you know if that feeling is already what they so called love? Well, I guess you'll only know it when you experience it first hand and even so it's difficult to explain.

True that I had been hurt, wounded and stabbed before, nothing can really describe how I feel during those moments and I really don't want to experience it again like the roller coaster ride that literally took my breath away. BUT then I realized that the pain I felt was equal to the love I felt; if you love much and was loved  much then expect the pain to be a big bang; likewise if you love a little and was loved a little then the pain would just be a scratch. I'm not saying that she/he was in more pain because he/she loved more or the years of their relationship is much longer; it really doesn't matter - it's the same pain, the same heartache.

It's been over a year already since it happened, and I would've labeled it as one of the 'tragic' moments of my life but then I came to realized (slowly) that it wasn't really that bad, Oh! the pain was excruciating, I could compare it when I lost my grandpa. But the end result was quite surprising, I mean, OMG, I survived! I had slowly buried my past but when I'm at my happiest and gloomiest day, he pops out of my mind - he as my bestfriend and not the lover.

I have a regular communication with a mutual friend of ours and our conversation would almost always include my past which I hate and love at the same time. He knows so much about what had happened between us which is quite exciting and frustrating though I really don't mind talking about it. But he had said something that had really stirred my mind, it was like literally mind-blowing. He said "You didn't fought for ALL the right things he had done, you left him for the ONE unfaithful thing he did" upon reading this phrase repeatedly, tears uncontrollably sprung in my eyes. He was absolutely wrong, I didn't left him, he pushed me away; he was the one who needed space and couldn't decide, what does he expect me to do? Wait and wait and wait? He didn't know my side of the story, he was wrong absolutely wrong BUT he had a point - a very good point. When the boat started to sink, I lost my grip and though I held on to it for awhile; I didn't thought I had enough strength to pull us back so I let go.

I let go because that was what I thought was best for both of us; I let go not because I hated him though partly but more on because I loved him - to the extent that in spite of how much he had hurt me, I forgave him without any hesitation and grudge; I tried hard to kept mum on our issue esp. to my family for his sake;   and I never closed my door for our friendship. I fought, the way that I know I could; I didn't go beyond because I know it would only complicate more and might be bloody too (lol).

Anyway, I kept on thinking about this over and over for the past few days, I know shouldn't dwell on this much but damn it made me dig and open my past back. I didn't regret what I did, I just had some what-if thoughts on my mind and I keep on telling myself that everything happened for a reason. There's no way to turn back time, some people had asked me if I could turn back time, what is that one thing that I could change? I answered "I shouldn't have given my 101% TRUST", again this is about trust and not love. I guess it was okay that I poured my love since I received it also but maybe just maybe when I didn't trust him well then I could have been more observant and cautious of the changes around us - but then again PAST IS PAST. So now I'm moving on and I deserve a pat in the back for doing what was right, I may have made a mistake or overlooked the situation but I know that was the right thing to do and it was all because of LOVE - for myself, my family, and even my love for him.

Have You Really Moved On?

A lot of people had been asking me this question for the nth time, "Have you Moved On?". And honestly, I don't know how to answer that question and at times my answer varies depending who had asked me. What does "moving on" really mean? Does it mean that my feelings for my ex are gone as if I hit my head and all those had memories just vanished? Or does it mean that I am moving forward and letting go of the past, but bringing along those memories that had made me who I am today? 

They say that it would take 3 months to move on for a relationship that lasted for a year, 6 months for a 2-year relationship and so on. I have no idea where this stupid moving on calculation came but as I tried to do the math on this since our relationship was for 5 years so it would take 1 year and a half to move on - which instantly I shrugged off since that's too long. But now that 10 months had passed, I realized that the calculation above was all wrong, there's no equation on how long or short the moving on process is, it's all up to you. I have heard some stories that just a month after a break up they entered into a new relationship which most say is the "Panakip Butas" (covering up just to forget the old one) relationship. Then there's the story wherein indeed it would take years before moving on and that person is likely to be overcautious on love or doesn't want to enter in a relationship because she's afraid of getting hurt again. Another is that even though one had entered into a new relationship but still hasn't moved on from the past which is really not my kind of story.

People had told me that I handled the break up very well and asked me how I did it. Since this was my first heartbreak to someone who I have loved so much, it really wasn't easy at all but I tried my best to uplift myself, that's why I started this blog and instead of blabbering all my feelings to my friends, I just wrote it here as my personal journal. I took a quiz "Are you over your ex?" and the result was that I was just PRETENDING and is pretty good at it - like whaaaat? We'll it's quite true I guess, it's those memories and the lost friendship that is holding me back us of now. With regards to communicating and dealing with my ex - I've accepted it and try to be happy for him, I'm not closing my door for the friendship but as of now, we decided to distance ourselves from each other.


I had searched through the net and found out "20 Ways to Tell You're Over It"


1. You have stopped competing with your ex. 

- I'm not sure sure what competing here means? If it's about you have yours, I'll have mine someday then I really don't care. 

2. Hearing what your ex is up to doesn’t make you cry or feel worthless or angry.

- I never was a stalker and never will. And I told my friends that I don't want any updates on him, I just don't want to hear anything about him especially when he tries to contact my friends asking about me.

3. Memories don’t hurt you or make you cry.

- I'm having a difficult time with this matter as of now.

4. You’re no longer trying to prove that you’re over it – to your ex or to anyone else.

- That's why I'm writing this blog to access myself coz I don't know where I am now. I know I should careless of what people or my ex says.

5. You’ve stopped reading their horoscope (assuming the ex is of a different sign).

- I really don't read his horoscope.

6. You don’t go to places just hoping to bump into your ex.

- I don't go to those places because I don't like to bump into him.

7. You stop trying to hack into their email or constantly checking their online diary (blog) or dating site profile. 

- I lost track of his emails and passwords since before we broke up.

8. Hearing a special song makes you feel nostalgic and not tearful.

- Still makes me remember him.

9. You no longer care what your ex thinks of you.

- I don't want to care, but why do I care? Hahaha

10. You stop wondering if your ex misses you.

- I convinced and forced myself that he doesn't miss me at all, even though he sometimes contact my friends on ho am I doing. 

11. You stop making excuses to get in touch.

- We had a mutual agreement to stop communicating, even if we hadn't I wouldn't also coz I'm dead tired of making the first move.

 12. You no longer drive by their home or work (or any other place you think they might be.)

Our home is to far away and I don't even know if he has a job or not. Last update I asked about him was if he had graduated and that was all.

13. You have actually arrived at the conclusion the break-up was “for the best”.

- Yes, I have prayed and God had told me that everything that had happened is for the best and that the best is yet to come.

14. When something really good or bad happens, you, inadvertently phone someone else to share it with.

- Never thought about this but yes, sometimes. But with my friends now, supposedly it should have been him but I am getting used to it again - not telling anyone about what I'm feeling not even my friends.

15. You’ve stopped counting the days and weeks since the break-up.

- I count the months when I write my blog.

16. By taking your power back, you have started to go back to places you enjoyed going to, but have been avoiding, because they reminded you of your ex.

- The places I want to go, where the places we hadn't been yet; well, I guess except the malls which I had already conquered that fear.

17. When you are on a date with someone new, you don’t keep telling stories about your ex; nor do you compare the new person with your ex.

- I promise myself not to talk about my ex, IF I have someone new.

18. When you dream about your ex, it doesn’t leave you depressed for the entire day.

- Not the entire day, maybe just half of it. Haha

19. You’ve stopped buying the foods your ex liked out of habit, and have started to buy the foods you like.

- I don't even know his favorite food but I do know he doesn't like vegetables neither do I. Haha

20. You no longer hold hope you ex will come back nor would you consider re-uniting if he or she did.

- I have again forced and convinced myself that there's no more "One More Chance" not just because my friends would kill me but because it's really difficult if the "TRUST" is broken, it would never be the same. We can be friends but no longer lovers and I stopped hallucinating that we'll meet "somewhere down the road" one day and ignored all the signs that he showed me that he'll be back soon.

11 out of 20 of this I have gotten over my ex, though not 100% I guess that's not really bad, right? I had given myself time to heal this broken heart of mine, I know I don't need to rush things and I shouldn't care of what people say. The only people who can only understand are those that had experienced this kind of feelings, you can never explain as to why you're doing this and that, I guess that's what you called LOVE. And I just don't believe that "Moving On" is when you forget everything about your ex because that person will always be part of who you are. I know would take time to heal but you need to take action on it not just waiting for that uncertain time, there's no accurate equation as when or accurate truth that you can fully moved on when you find someone you; it's all in your hands. 

Exactly 6 Years Ago

It was exactly 6 years ago that we first met at one of the grandest celebration being held in Cebu, the Sinulog Festival and coincidentally it is the same date today, January 15. I know I shouldn't dwell much on this because "Past is Past" which I had been forcing myself to think and believe for 9 months already. But can you blame me? This was one of the events that really reminds me of him, of us, of what we used to have. The first time I was able to really join and celebrate Sinulog in which I went out of the house even if my lolo didn't allow me to, was when we first met. And for 5 years, oh actually 4 since last year he didn't want me to tag along with him which started our ending, he was my companion on walking the streets, holding my umbrella, guiding the road. So can you blame me if this particular day, this event and festivity would always remind me of him? Both happy and sad memories combined.

I joined another group for this year so I can make new memories, I wanted to have fun and enjoy this day as if it was my first time to join Sinulog and erase all the past memories of this. But I know I can't and it just can't be, though I was hoping I would find someone who would help me make those memories; unfortunately I wasn't able to find one, I guess I wasn't looking at all. I was looking but I was afraid I might spot him along the crowd with her. He is just so UNFAIR!!! And I'm just so damn STUPID, why am I still feeling this way?

I'm tired of this feeling, why can't I just stop thinking about him? I don't even now if he can associate this event with me? His cousin told me that he had written our sort of love story in his compiled songs and so? It really doesn't matter, why should I care? I hate him, I hate myself even more for acting such a fool. Luckily, I only act as a fool in this blog, I hardly tell anyone about my true feelings especially that it has been  9 months. Can you believe it, 9 months and I'm still recovering, DAMN! There's really something wrong with me and I know the only cure for this pain is the one that had inflicted it in the first place - Love.

Maybe it was because my companions for today were couples or was it that nobody was carrying my umbrella anymore? No, actually it was more on that I had no company to go to Sto. Nino Church, I had no one to constantly check, text and yell where to find each other, I walked along the road and through the crowds alone, and I went home all ALONE. I hate the feeling that I need someone by my side, is it my fault that I was accustomed to it for 5 years? Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I'll just deny everything I said here.

2011 - My Rollercoaster Year

Life is a roller coaster ride, as they say,

And as most of you know, this year wasn't that OK,
2011 has been one heck of a ride,
With so many twisted loops from every side.

I had plunge into one of the deepest valley,
It felt like it was indeed an endless journey,
Alone and breathless, I started to shiver and cry,
But surprisingly, somebody had raise me up, up in the sky.

So then I realized I wasn't and never was alone in this ride,
I had my family and friends who never left my side.
Though the ride wasn't that smooth all through the way,
I wasn't that afraid anymore, I just sit tight and pray.

Now as I try to recall, 2011 wasn't that bad at all
I had been to many places and even met some new and old friendly faces.
God has His own ways of answering a prayer,
Honestly I don't understand but I know it's for the better.

Thanks for riding along with me this year,
and for bringing joys and cheers!

Haunted by the Past

Was it merely a coincidence that October 31 is Halloween where ghost from the past would likely to haunt you  or was it intentionally done to make the hairs stand. Whatever the reason is I really felt the goosebumps when my ex had subscribed my Facebook account, I mean common - what for? what now? 

I really don't know if it was really him or his curly-haired elderly-faced girlfriend checking into my account. When that notification popped up in my account, I thought I was just hallucinating then I looked at it again and then I saw their faces so I was not hallucinating his name appearing in my profile but the question is WHY? WHY? WHY? 

If it really was him why would he subscribe? I know for a fact when you subscribe to a person you can get updates from him/her without adding him/her as a friend. Does he want to be updated with my life? And then I go back to the question WHY? He wants to know how am I doing, my status, my life or whatsoever then WHY? So I know now that he still views my profile maybe once in awhile, is he stalking me? I want to laugh thinking about this, now who has not gotten over between the two of us? I stopped stalking them months ago even before our final talk, I never bothered them from the start just a little poke here and there, I never said a word directly against them even if it was so tempting at that time. Why can't he leave me alone once and for all, he had made his decision, and though it had hurt me so much, I accepted it.

Well, if that was the elderly-faced woman it's another story if I'll know that it was really her. A fight she wants then a fight she'll get, I won't really back-off if she'll start the spark I'll blow it up for her, lol. But honestly, I don't think she deserves my time and attention. What's her intention? So that I can be able to get a glimpse of them together? Is that how low she is? I really don't mind and besides I already saw that though it hurt at first but then I thought okay so? If she's insecure about me, then that's good to know. She should be because from the start I never showed any sign of insecurities towards her, when I knew it was her I can't help but laugh and wonder - HER? Oh Please. 

Whether it was him or her, it was unsubscribed immediately like a ghost it appeared then disappeared. I don't want anything to do with him anymore, I blocked him from my Facebook as suggested by a friend. We don't need any updates, whatever connections we had before, everything should be cut off. I just don't want anything to do with him, I don't want to see him anymore, I don't think I'm angry like I said I don't want to hold any grudge so to avoid building up that grudge, I just want to move on and leave the past behind. I asked my some of my friends and most of my family member to delete him in their accounts. I think he would notice by now, and I should not care anymore if he's hurt, I was hurt too - sooo much. 

All I ask is TIME and DISTANCE from each other and that is all. I never closed my window for our friendship but I already locked the door shut for what we had before. Nothing we'll ever be the same, everything had changed.

6 months and counting...

Can you believe that 6 months had already passed since we broke up? And can you even believe that 6 months had already passed and I'm still going ga-ga on what to do about this heart-wrenching pain that keeps on coming back again and again. Oh God, I really don't know what to do anymore. I tried everything and I mean everything that I can do just to get over him and this stupid past relationship but I still end up crying. I did what wasn't really the common things a girl should do when faced with this kind of heartbreak which are the following:

1. No Grudge - From the start, I made a promise to him and myself that I would not and will not hold any grudge on him. Though there are times that I feel like I want to hit him and shout at his face which fortunately I cannot and hopefully will  not do . Good luck to him and to me if I explode - boom. But God said, harden not your hard and that is all I want to do.

2. Ignored the OTHER woman - I could say that I have second thoughts on why I did this but then I know I did what was right, maybe not in the eyes of the many but in the eyes of God. There are lot of times that I despised the OTHER woman than my ex-boyfriend, and I guess that's just the normal reaction of anyone who lost something precious that supposedly belonged to her. This was really very hard to control, even until now, I still don't like to see that elderly-faced curly-haired woman. She's lucky I didn't confront her, I really cannot imagine myself if that would happen. I didn't make a fool out of myself and thank God; but if I hear a word about her talking about me, then a fight she wants, a fight she gets.

3. Mouth-zipped. Even if my world was in topsy-turvy and I wanted to let it out, I kept everything in silent thinking that this is the way I can get over him. But NO, they said you have to let it out, but then if I let it out my friends would say I still haven't got over him yet. So I decided to be stay mummed about any subjects about him and it did worked for my friends side since they thought I'm okay now, but deep inside everything is just ready to burst but I don't know to whom I should let it out. I know my friends are tired of listening to me, I'm even tired of myself. So I have no choice, I'm trying to be strong because that is what they expect me to be. I'm afraid this I might have a breakdown or something.

4. Trust in God. I put everything in God's hands now, I truly believe that this is what He has planned for me; though I might not understand it but I put all my trust in Him. I know one thing for certain is that He has greater plans for me and He doesn't want me to make a mistake I might really regret, and that is why this has happened. Everything has a reason, I know it's for the best, I just have to learn how to accept it fully with arms wide open. 

I survived September 29

I thought this day would be a headache but I was wrong. Everything went well more than I expected it to be. Thank you Lord. Actually I was afraid and confused, I hate it when something reminds me of him; I know it would really take a long time for this to heal, I tried everything that I can do but still there are times (so many too mention) that memories keep on flashing back and tears just fall out of my eyes uncontrollably. Actually I made a poem before his birthday came to an end, I was going to post or send it to some friends but then it wouldn't do any good. So I just saved it in my mobile but it got deleted so I made another one, similar to the original.

Happy Birthday bB
The revised version (Lost the original)

This day holds so many memories,
A lot of sleepless nights of making scrapbooks, songs and poetries;
I can't help but smile remembering those days,
But here we are now going separate ways.

I guess those memories are just hard to forget
It keeps on replaying like an old cassette
And sometimes I just can't help but cry
Knowing that we already said our goodbyes

Who would have thought this would happen?
I know I didn't, it was really so sudden.
You said you didn't want to see me in pain
But it's too much, I just can't explain.

God has a reason, I may not fully understand
But I know everything is going accordingly as planned
I put all my trust in God the Almighty
I know someday I'll smile again wholeheartedly.

For now, it will just be this way,
Happy Birthday is all I wanted to say.
And indeed I hope you are happy,
I wish you all the best bB.