Here I am

Here I am

Mending this broken heart of mine

Here I am

Waiting for the sun to shine

Here I am 

Striving to be okay

Here I am

Wishing this pain to go away

Here I am

Trying hard to be strong

Here I am

Hoping this won't last long

First Heartbreak

Anyone can tell by reading my poems in this blog what I am feeling right now though the titles doesn't really justify much. Actually I was about to make a blog about my adventures and travels then end up writing about heartbreaks and heartaches. So if you don't mind, I will share with you my first and major heartbreak, hope you can leave some comments below.

Until now, I still cannot believe that he did this to me, I know I am not perfect neither is he. As they say, there is no perfect relationship, no perfect couple - nobody is perfect except the One above. 

For 4 years, 11 months and 3 weeks in our relationship - yes, we broke up 1 week before our 5th anniversary (Ouch!) - I already had this thinking that he was the right one, my prince charming, my knight in shining armor, etc. Though young as we are - we are still 21; I had already envisioned my whole life with him - in 3 years time - travelling around; in 5 years - maybe settling down; 10 years after - have a happy family. 

We started this year 2011 with many arguments and disagreements, this is really normal in any relationships,  but one argument leads to another then another until it piled up and we both got tired of trying to fix it I guess, we just leave it as it is. Mainly our problem was TIME, he was working on a thesis during this time, so I really tried to understand him but then I got fed up sometimes since he wasn't there when I needed him the most. Well, okay he was there sometimes but it wasn't enough, again because of his thesis I really tried to understand him, I don't want him to bear my problems, he had enough in his shoulders already. 

Never in our almost 5 year relationship imagined him to cheat on me. The no.1 thing that pops up on my mind when somebody ask me one good thing about him is his LOYALTY, I was so proud since you can only find few men like that, I considered myself very lucky - I WAS WRONG! I knew we had a problem that we need to talk and try to settle it out - but I never really expected it would involve a third party. Though I was already having a hunch about it but I dismissed the thought coz I thought it couldn't be possible. Now I can testify that women's intuition is positively true.

He confessed it to me, I guess it's much better him telling me the truth than knowing it from others, right? But still it hurts really bad. I didn't cry, didn't shed a single tear or even slapped him on the face which was quite tempting during that confession. The sad part was he couldn't make up his mind, he was enjoying the company of the "girl", and they started their so called "romance" when we started arguing endlessly. There was no formal status as he said, the girl knew he's in a relationship already by the way.

My mistakes on this is that I gave him 101% TRUST, I never look into his cellphone for messages nor his facebook account. If I have inspected his cellphone and facebook, I think this could have been avoided. Why am I blaming myself, it's his fault why he can't control his emotions, how come I was able to do it. I was supposed to be the one looking for another guy since he wasn't there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

I left saying goodbye or thought was goodbye but then the next day I was already crying in his arms. We were both crying to be exact. Endless WHYs but got no answers, he was confused about everything. He admits his stupidity, he told me he'll be back but not right now because we'll just end up hurting each other - which is true though. So if he cannot decide, then I had to decide. But before I left I told him - THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU, he cried even more - good to know. *winks

My closest cousin, friends and even his friends were there to listen and tried their best to comfort me. Even his father called me up trying to check how I was and that his son was in a stage of confusion as of now, but he'll try to give him advice since he entered into a situation which he doesn't know how to handle - he is still immature. He even asked me not to find another guy yet - which was quite comforting in a way, knowing even his family are trying to help us or more on him exactly.

One of my friend told me about the common stages when losing a loved one is DABDA - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and lastly Acceptance which I will discuss on my other post. I won't go much on the detail since I think this is quite long already, but to make the story short - God knows how much I tried to get him back, even though it wasn't my fault, I was the one almost begging but fortunately I came to my senses now - I hope. I did my best, I think my friends are going to kill me if I go "Gaga" again. I swallowed my pride which happens really once in a blue moon, I tried being friendly to him so that he'll now I'm okay. He doesn't want me to be hurting anymore, but you know what hurts the most is that his not trying to fight for our relationship it's even worse than telling me about that stupid "Girl" which by the way, I tried so hard not to know who she is coz I know I'll want to strike her in any way - Flooding my Facebook with her name with a WANTED sign or even worse, I really couldn't image myself but I know I have the capability to do it especially if I'm not in the right condition. Lucky her.

So now, as I am making this blog, I am trying my best not to make any stupid move which I just realized are stupid indeed. Maybe his right, I need time to heal my broken heart. The more he knows I'm hurting, the less chances he'll come back coz his really guilty seeing me in pain. But I'm not closing my door also, I just don't like to be unfair to the next guy if ever there will be in the future, as they say the only way to fully move on is to find another one. I'll let go to see if there is really something worth holding on to but hopefully without expectations also- it's so easy to say but so hard to do. 

Silence is the Key

My heart is aching until now

I don't know how to stop it somehow

The pain is just too overwhelming

The tears just keep on falling

All I wanted was for you to come back

I did my all but it's still a wrack

Maybe I was wrong all along

To think that it is in your arms that I belong

I don't want to give up easily

Though you have ignored me completely

I wanted to fight and win this battle

It's just too hard for me alone to handle

I was trying hard to get your attention

But I realized I have made a wrong decision

Since the more I try to fight each day

The more I am pushing you away

I guess you were right from the start

That I need time to heal my heart

You need time to think it over

I just hope we'll still end up together

Time heals as they say

This again I hope and pray

Wishing that this silence will be the key

For our love to grow endlessly

Listen to your Heart

A month had already passed

I can't believe the pain could last

I wasn't expecting it to be this way

It's hurting me each passing day

I honestly don't know what to do

Should I get mad or just ignore you?

One thing for certain that I cannot deny

Is that I still LOVE YOU and that's not a lie

Even if you hurt me so bad

I tried to fight and you know that

But why Oh why do I have this feeling

That our relationship for you is not worth saving

I laugh at myself sometimes

How funny love can be in this awful time

I have swallowed my pride completely, can't you see?

Trying to save what's left for You and Me

You know what hurts the most?

It is not that you told me the truth 

The pain that keeps on hurting me right now

Is that knowing you're NOT fighting somehow

So now I'm not asking you to come back to me if you're not sure

I'm just BEGGING you to help me find a cure

To heal this pain deep within me

So I can let go of you completely

I wish LOVE could be erased in just a snap

Gone all the memories we have in just one zap

Both good times and bad times that we have shared

I wish all of them to just disappear

I was hoping that we can start all over again

But as days passed by I think we're nearing the end

All of my friends told me to stop this insanity

Now you tell that straight to me honestly!

Please listen to your heart bB

Don't say you'll regret it someday maybe

Just listen to your heart and I'll be okay

Whatever it is, come what may.