Haunted by the Past

Was it merely a coincidence that October 31 is Halloween where ghost from the past would likely to haunt you  or was it intentionally done to make the hairs stand. Whatever the reason is I really felt the goosebumps when my ex had subscribed my Facebook account, I mean common - what for? what now? 

I really don't know if it was really him or his curly-haired elderly-faced girlfriend checking into my account. When that notification popped up in my account, I thought I was just hallucinating then I looked at it again and then I saw their faces so I was not hallucinating his name appearing in my profile but the question is WHY? WHY? WHY? 

If it really was him why would he subscribe? I know for a fact when you subscribe to a person you can get updates from him/her without adding him/her as a friend. Does he want to be updated with my life? And then I go back to the question WHY? He wants to know how am I doing, my status, my life or whatsoever then WHY? So I know now that he still views my profile maybe once in awhile, is he stalking me? I want to laugh thinking about this, now who has not gotten over between the two of us? I stopped stalking them months ago even before our final talk, I never bothered them from the start just a little poke here and there, I never said a word directly against them even if it was so tempting at that time. Why can't he leave me alone once and for all, he had made his decision, and though it had hurt me so much, I accepted it.

Well, if that was the elderly-faced woman it's another story if I'll know that it was really her. A fight she wants then a fight she'll get, I won't really back-off if she'll start the spark I'll blow it up for her, lol. But honestly, I don't think she deserves my time and attention. What's her intention? So that I can be able to get a glimpse of them together? Is that how low she is? I really don't mind and besides I already saw that though it hurt at first but then I thought okay so? If she's insecure about me, then that's good to know. She should be because from the start I never showed any sign of insecurities towards her, when I knew it was her I can't help but laugh and wonder - HER? Oh Please. 

Whether it was him or her, it was unsubscribed immediately like a ghost it appeared then disappeared. I don't want anything to do with him anymore, I blocked him from my Facebook as suggested by a friend. We don't need any updates, whatever connections we had before, everything should be cut off. I just don't want anything to do with him, I don't want to see him anymore, I don't think I'm angry like I said I don't want to hold any grudge so to avoid building up that grudge, I just want to move on and leave the past behind. I asked my some of my friends and most of my family member to delete him in their accounts. I think he would notice by now, and I should not care anymore if he's hurt, I was hurt too - sooo much. 

All I ask is TIME and DISTANCE from each other and that is all. I never closed my window for our friendship but I already locked the door shut for what we had before. Nothing we'll ever be the same, everything had changed.

6 months and counting...

Can you believe that 6 months had already passed since we broke up? And can you even believe that 6 months had already passed and I'm still going ga-ga on what to do about this heart-wrenching pain that keeps on coming back again and again. Oh God, I really don't know what to do anymore. I tried everything and I mean everything that I can do just to get over him and this stupid past relationship but I still end up crying. I did what wasn't really the common things a girl should do when faced with this kind of heartbreak which are the following:

1. No Grudge - From the start, I made a promise to him and myself that I would not and will not hold any grudge on him. Though there are times that I feel like I want to hit him and shout at his face which fortunately I cannot and hopefully will  not do . Good luck to him and to me if I explode - boom. But God said, harden not your hard and that is all I want to do.

2. Ignored the OTHER woman - I could say that I have second thoughts on why I did this but then I know I did what was right, maybe not in the eyes of the many but in the eyes of God. There are lot of times that I despised the OTHER woman than my ex-boyfriend, and I guess that's just the normal reaction of anyone who lost something precious that supposedly belonged to her. This was really very hard to control, even until now, I still don't like to see that elderly-faced curly-haired woman. She's lucky I didn't confront her, I really cannot imagine myself if that would happen. I didn't make a fool out of myself and thank God; but if I hear a word about her talking about me, then a fight she wants, a fight she gets.

3. Mouth-zipped. Even if my world was in topsy-turvy and I wanted to let it out, I kept everything in silent thinking that this is the way I can get over him. But NO, they said you have to let it out, but then if I let it out my friends would say I still haven't got over him yet. So I decided to be stay mummed about any subjects about him and it did worked for my friends side since they thought I'm okay now, but deep inside everything is just ready to burst but I don't know to whom I should let it out. I know my friends are tired of listening to me, I'm even tired of myself. So I have no choice, I'm trying to be strong because that is what they expect me to be. I'm afraid this I might have a breakdown or something.

4. Trust in God. I put everything in God's hands now, I truly believe that this is what He has planned for me; though I might not understand it but I put all my trust in Him. I know one thing for certain is that He has greater plans for me and He doesn't want me to make a mistake I might really regret, and that is why this has happened. Everything has a reason, I know it's for the best, I just have to learn how to accept it fully with arms wide open. 

I survived September 29

I thought this day would be a headache but I was wrong. Everything went well more than I expected it to be. Thank you Lord. Actually I was afraid and confused, I hate it when something reminds me of him; I know it would really take a long time for this to heal, I tried everything that I can do but still there are times (so many too mention) that memories keep on flashing back and tears just fall out of my eyes uncontrollably. Actually I made a poem before his birthday came to an end, I was going to post or send it to some friends but then it wouldn't do any good. So I just saved it in my mobile but it got deleted so I made another one, similar to the original.

Happy Birthday bB
The revised version (Lost the original)

This day holds so many memories,
A lot of sleepless nights of making scrapbooks, songs and poetries;
I can't help but smile remembering those days,
But here we are now going separate ways.

I guess those memories are just hard to forget
It keeps on replaying like an old cassette
And sometimes I just can't help but cry
Knowing that we already said our goodbyes

Who would have thought this would happen?
I know I didn't, it was really so sudden.
You said you didn't want to see me in pain
But it's too much, I just can't explain.

God has a reason, I may not fully understand
But I know everything is going accordingly as planned
I put all my trust in God the Almighty
I know someday I'll smile again wholeheartedly.

For now, it will just be this way,
Happy Birthday is all I wanted to say.
And indeed I hope you are happy,
I wish you all the best bB.