Sunday, September 25, 2011

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I prayed that this month would be a better one for me but it was the complete opposite. I thought everything would be okay, I mean it's been 5 months already and I'm so tired, I really don't know what to do anymore. I did everything that I can do but the pain is just too much, I guess I was suppressing the pain that I feel inside and I don't know how to let it out, should I cry? Again? When will my tears run dry? 

People think that I'm okay now, that's good, since I really don't want them to see that I'm so weak inside. They can see the smile on my face, but they don't know I'm hurting deep inside. So I decided to tell them not to update me anymore about my EX's life, I don't care if they had communicated, I don't care if they see him especially with that elderly faced curly-haired woman. I just don't care anymore, I don't want to hear anything about him, I want him out of my life BECAUSE it's just too painful. 

Updates that I received from my friends/family are the following:

1. A friend of mine had exchanged comments in FB with my Ex. She told him that we'll be going out to Rainforest Park and my ex said he'd like to come but I know he's still ashamed. I didn't read their comments, I just don't want to. He said that maybe soon, he'll be joining us again. At first, I was like it's okay but then I changed my mind; NO! He can no longer be part of the group, he can only join us once I have a new boyfriend already and I'm dead serious.

2. Another friend of mine saw him and the elderly faced curly-haired OTHER woman in the mall where I last saw them. I really have a phobia now when entering that mall, I just don't like to see them together, especially that b*tch because I might do something that I'll surely regret. It was a good thing that I was able to handle myself well during the first time I saw them but I just don't know anymore why my hatred towards that b*tch grew deeper now.

3. My younger sister either through chat or comment had communicated with him, I guess he greeted her on her birthday. I didn't like to hear the details but she only said that he asked how am I doing? How am I doing? Does he really want to know? B*llshit! He told my sister to take care of my younger brothers and take care of me? Huh? What do you care? Can he just STOOOOOOOOP communicating with my friends and family? I hate hearing news about him asking about me, it's just b*llshit!

I apologize for some words in this post, I just cannot control my feelings anymore. I tried very hard not to get this pain and most especially the grudge I feel to overwhelm me but I can't help it. I forgave him but I just cannot forget. Oh Lord, please help me. There's also this movie NO OTHER WOMAN, that's driving me nuts and some of friends are tagging me on this topic. Well, I guess I'm stupid coz I kept on posting about it also, lol. Why is it everything today there's always anOTHER woman, they should be ashamed of themselves. And just yesterday, I just don't know why her elderly faced popped in my wall, does she really want me to post her face and tagged her THE OTHER WOMAN? If her face was Christine Reyes as his father had said then it wouldn't be hard for me to accept and move on. But oh common, you replaced me with her? Not to brag or be rude but I can really question his taste, maybe that's why he hasn't posted a photo of them together, I want to know the reaction of everybody. Hahaha!

And then, the worst part of September is his birthday which is really getting nearer and nearer and I'm getting crazier and crazier each day. When we broke of peacefully, I already decided right there and then that I wouldn't greet him on his birthday nor congratulate him when he graduates (I really thought before that I would take a rest day for this event but now I'm no longer part of it :( It hurts to know that I have been there for him, I even made some of his assignments and projects when it comes to writing and reflection,  and I wanted to witness that day when he finally graduates from college).

I deactivated my Facebook just now and will reactivate it on October, it's not that I cannot control myself from greeting him but I'm just anxious about who will be greeting him on that day. I hope he didn't post his birthday because we have lots of common friends, I hope they're smart enough not to bring topics about us. I really hope, but then sometimes I imagine I like it to happen and I know some of their supportive friends would react or something, maybe my friends would react too which would be quite a scene I love to imagine but only imagine. This is also the no.1 reason why I didn't want them to update me anymore, I just told them earlier so that it will stick in their heads and mine too. So it would really be better to wake me up when September ends... 

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