I don't know what's with the movies these days that "kabit" thing is so rampant, it started with the "No Other Woman" then "The Mistress" and just recently "The Secret Affair" which are all a blockbuster hit. I guess this is rampant now in the society and I for one had experienced this first hand though we were not married but still there's the "other woman" issue. I really despised people who are ruining other people's relationship, I just really don't get why "other woman" would be so insensitive, cruel, stupid, dumb, ruthless, etc. Don't they think? They are hurting someone and might hurt themselves too since they are entering into a "bawal na pag-ibig" restricted love affair. I had a long list of questions on these so called "Other Woman" like why can't they respect a relationship; why can't they just ignore stupid unfaithful boyfriends who are flirting with them; why can't they say NO? and my list goes on and on.
Who would have thought that after a year of blabbering these questions about "other woman", I would end up answering them myself. Just to make it clear from this point, I am not one of the "other woman" and I will not allow myself to be and that is my promise to myself, but I experienced how it feels like to be one though and it really was quite hard to be labeled as one.
Honestly, I didn't even have any idea how the whole thing went out of hand, was I too nice? I only know that we are friends and that is that coz I know from the start that he has a girlfriend and to make things more complicated they are both a friend of my ex, small world isn't it? He even knows our love story from the start to the end, he has too many information about our breakup and after breakup which I was really curious since I know he is not that close to my ex, but his girlfriend is. Anyway, we work in the same company but different department, he just contacted me because of a survey and from there we had a constant communication through chat. We get along well, I mean we can talk about anything and though he is a bit too frank sometimes, well, okay most of the time, but I just brushed it off. From there, he treats and invites me for breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner and even waits for me until I go home and even "hatod" me at our house. At first, I really didn't mind at all but my officemates were already teasing me and warning me at the same time, I know there was really "something" but I just denied it, I didn't want to be a "feeler" coz again we are friends, JUST friends and again he has a girlfriend though they were not in good terms. If I abruptly ignore him, it might seem that I am guilty of something which I am NOT, but I was already aware of the changes and I was on red alert.
And one Thursday night, he admitted that he had fallen for me, we talked it out because I don't want us to feel awkward towards each other, I had already considered him as a friend. He knew what I went through before and I don't want to enter that kind of situation in which I am the one being considered as "the other woman" and what made things worst was that we are interconnected with my ex, can you imagine that if someone will ask, who's that girl? "Oh, she's the ex-of *****" like what? It's really a small small world and I really don't want to be labeled as the "other woman". He knows that, he knows this is quite a complicated thing and he doesn't know why and what's with me (lol) but he said I should be open to the possibilities, maybe not now but in the future, I should try to open my heart to that and all I can say is NO, NO, NO! I told him that I respect relationships and friendship at the same time that's why I confronted him. He offered an unsolicited advice that I shouldn't be too nice (uh-oh). I thought after that talk everything was cleared but my mistake it just got started and I really don't know why I myself can't ignore him.
Everything I have said before about the other woman bounced back to me, it was like a slap on my face - why can't I push him away? Am I enjoying this attention? What if his girlfriend will know, am I dead? Will my ex know, will he laugh at me? And my list goes on and on, I was honest with him, I told him about this and that he should hold on to their relationship or else I'll be the one to move away which I really don't know why I cannot do. I was really happy when he was pursuing his girlfriend again and tried to mend their relationship, though we still have a constant communication, I was always asked for their updates and they were doing well. But he still has that "something" sometimes which I just ignored, you know him being too caring and all, again, I don't want to be a "feeler" and he'll just say to me that he knows we're friends and there's no need to remind him about it - duh! Until when I knew that his girlfriend, by the way knows me since she is close with my ex's didn't bother at first but could feel something also, which is very natural at all. I wanted to meet her, but he wouldn't, he might feel guilty or uneasy, there was one time when we saw them and he just ignored us as if we don't know each other -WTH. And then her girlfriend is suspicious already, I can feel it, women's intuition - been there, done that. I was thinking that if she would confront me, I am really not guilty at all coz I always said "NO" and I am firm with it, his boyfriend knows that and from the start I made that clear but I know I made a mistake also, I should have stopped him.
Realizations:
1. Being labeled as the "other woman" is hard, it doesn't matter if your intention is to be just friends, from people's point of view if you are together with someone who is in a relationship then you will be labeled as it is already which is really unfair esp. if your friendship started in between their relationship, it's a no-no.
2. It is not always the "other woman" at fault or the destroyer of the relationship, it depends on who initiated the affair. I realized that boys will always be boys, so the labeled other woman should control herself and not fell into the trap or she'll be sorry. Learn to say NO that's what I did, and he was thankful for it.
3. I learn to say NO from my experience since I was once in the shoes of his girlfriend, I always kept on thinking about that. If not from that experience, I would have made one of the biggest mistake of my life also. Luckily, I used my brain and my heart is not functioning properly yet.
4. Though honestly, I was kilig because it had been quite a long time since somebody had made efforts to make me feel special, I guess that was one thing why I was not able to get out of it; and though I don't want to admit it but I realized that it was about my ex also - I guess part of me wants to be updated still, damn. It's his fault, he always digs up my past which I like and hate at the same time.
5. Do not be too nice, wrong people might fall in love with me. Hahaha! This was his unsolicited advise, I'm really not sure what being too nice is, I'm just being me. and FYI, it took me quite a long time to open up again since I was really used to NO BOYS ALLOWED territory.
Honestly, I didn't even have any idea how the whole thing went out of hand, was I too nice? I only know that we are friends and that is that coz I know from the start that he has a girlfriend and to make things more complicated they are both a friend of my ex, small world isn't it? He even knows our love story from the start to the end, he has too many information about our breakup and after breakup which I was really curious since I know he is not that close to my ex, but his girlfriend is. Anyway, we work in the same company but different department, he just contacted me because of a survey and from there we had a constant communication through chat. We get along well, I mean we can talk about anything and though he is a bit too frank sometimes, well, okay most of the time, but I just brushed it off. From there, he treats and invites me for breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner and even waits for me until I go home and even "hatod" me at our house. At first, I really didn't mind at all but my officemates were already teasing me and warning me at the same time, I know there was really "something" but I just denied it, I didn't want to be a "feeler" coz again we are friends, JUST friends and again he has a girlfriend though they were not in good terms. If I abruptly ignore him, it might seem that I am guilty of something which I am NOT, but I was already aware of the changes and I was on red alert.
And one Thursday night, he admitted that he had fallen for me, we talked it out because I don't want us to feel awkward towards each other, I had already considered him as a friend. He knew what I went through before and I don't want to enter that kind of situation in which I am the one being considered as "the other woman" and what made things worst was that we are interconnected with my ex, can you imagine that if someone will ask, who's that girl? "Oh, she's the ex-of *****" like what? It's really a small small world and I really don't want to be labeled as the "other woman". He knows that, he knows this is quite a complicated thing and he doesn't know why and what's with me (lol) but he said I should be open to the possibilities, maybe not now but in the future, I should try to open my heart to that and all I can say is NO, NO, NO! I told him that I respect relationships and friendship at the same time that's why I confronted him. He offered an unsolicited advice that I shouldn't be too nice (uh-oh). I thought after that talk everything was cleared but my mistake it just got started and I really don't know why I myself can't ignore him.
Everything I have said before about the other woman bounced back to me, it was like a slap on my face - why can't I push him away? Am I enjoying this attention? What if his girlfriend will know, am I dead? Will my ex know, will he laugh at me? And my list goes on and on, I was honest with him, I told him about this and that he should hold on to their relationship or else I'll be the one to move away which I really don't know why I cannot do. I was really happy when he was pursuing his girlfriend again and tried to mend their relationship, though we still have a constant communication, I was always asked for their updates and they were doing well. But he still has that "something" sometimes which I just ignored, you know him being too caring and all, again, I don't want to be a "feeler" and he'll just say to me that he knows we're friends and there's no need to remind him about it - duh! Until when I knew that his girlfriend, by the way knows me since she is close with my ex's didn't bother at first but could feel something also, which is very natural at all. I wanted to meet her, but he wouldn't, he might feel guilty or uneasy, there was one time when we saw them and he just ignored us as if we don't know each other -WTH. And then her girlfriend is suspicious already, I can feel it, women's intuition - been there, done that. I was thinking that if she would confront me, I am really not guilty at all coz I always said "NO" and I am firm with it, his boyfriend knows that and from the start I made that clear but I know I made a mistake also, I should have stopped him.
Realizations:
1. Being labeled as the "other woman" is hard, it doesn't matter if your intention is to be just friends, from people's point of view if you are together with someone who is in a relationship then you will be labeled as it is already which is really unfair esp. if your friendship started in between their relationship, it's a no-no.
2. It is not always the "other woman" at fault or the destroyer of the relationship, it depends on who initiated the affair. I realized that boys will always be boys, so the labeled other woman should control herself and not fell into the trap or she'll be sorry. Learn to say NO that's what I did, and he was thankful for it.
3. I learn to say NO from my experience since I was once in the shoes of his girlfriend, I always kept on thinking about that. If not from that experience, I would have made one of the biggest mistake of my life also. Luckily, I used my brain and my heart is not functioning properly yet.
4. Though honestly, I was kilig because it had been quite a long time since somebody had made efforts to make me feel special, I guess that was one thing why I was not able to get out of it; and though I don't want to admit it but I realized that it was about my ex also - I guess part of me wants to be updated still, damn. It's his fault, he always digs up my past which I like and hate at the same time.
5. Do not be too nice, wrong people might fall in love with me. Hahaha! This was his unsolicited advise, I'm really not sure what being too nice is, I'm just being me. and FYI, it took me quite a long time to open up again since I was really used to NO BOYS ALLOWED territory.
My name is Sharon Doroes, I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2 years ago, which lead to our break up. I was not myself again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem, his site http://magical-rituals.com . I sent email the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happen, less than two weeks my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me i was so happy to have him back to me. The most interesting part of the story is that am pregnant. Thanks to Doctor Samael for saving my marriage.
ReplyDeleteYou should have not allowed frequent conversations and meet ups, in the first place. You should have chosen to ignore him right then and there. Or perhaps stayed a clear distance, before feeling guilty of being unfriendly towards him. Example, you could have limited your chat messages from daily to once or twice a week. You could have turned down meet ups and esp. him fetching you from work. Guys will always pursue a girl whom he feels is giving him a chance and whom he feels safe from being rejected.
ReplyDeleteYou may not be committed to each other, but the emotional attachment is there. It's still infidelity. Yes, they may have gotten back together, but the damage has been done to the girl and to their relationship. She already suffered insecurity and the shattered feeling of being betrayed.
Actually, I still consider your experience as not so grave. I mean the couple is not yet married. And, whether we like it or not, while a person is not yet married, any kind of relationship (including third party) could lead that person to the one he/she is destined to live his/her life with. Those kind of relationships could be instrumental to a happy marriage. But still, it could have been better if we, or any other woman, be not involved as the other woman. And spare ourselves from the shame it brings.
I myself became the other woman while I was still single and the guy is in a relationship with his girlfriend. I had the exact learnings as what you enumerated above.
But just recently, I became the victim of infidelity by my husband and his colleague. And the learnings shifted. Saying NO is not enough. It should have not progressed to that stage, in the first place. It should be that we always steer away from "special closeness" with committed guys, especially married guys.
Their infidelity was ONLY a month long of chat messages. There was not even a relationship. But, as a wife, I was shattered. Shattered to realize that my husband is spending a certain amount of time everyday chatting with a girl about anything under sun (except about his wife).
Fortunately, I caught them just in time. Early enough to prevent any relationship to develop. Since then, my husband had been courting me again. It was one of the highlights of our relationship. It brought us to a deeper and more meaningful marriage, and it brought back our passion for each other.
But I was shattered. More than a couple of months had passed and I'm now at the DEPRESSION stage of DABDA. But very close to acceptance. The tremendous efforts of my husband to reassure me were of great help.
You see, a simple and thoughtless, but engaging and very frequent chat could break somebody apart. And the healing can be a very long process. Many will be affected: marriage, work, kids, and the sense of self of the victim, nonetheless.
So to us, women, we must steer clear from being too close to a committed/married guy. It will save us all from unnecessary heartaches.