The Second Heartache

For almost five years of being single, I finally found someone who I thought was the one - at the moment. Being single is not really that bad, you get to decide on your own what you want to do with your life. But at some point, you'll miss the feeling of having someone to talk to anytime of the day, building your dreams in life, doing crazy things together, travelling together with an action cam following you around.

It wasn't easy for me to fall for any guy, I'm not that picky but I wasn't into guys who would follow me around like a puppy. I wanted a "challenging" guy, someone who has character, who would not easily give in to my beauty (lol), and who stands by his decisions. And there he was, we've been together in a part-time business for two (2) years, people think we were an item but we brushed it off constantly. There were blurry signals since both of us had walls, we were both afraid of commitment.

But fate had it's way or that's how we interpreted it, we got close then closer. Sending mix signals all over, I don't typically assume those little signals but maybe because he was a "challenging" handsome catch, I fell for it. And because I couldn't take it anymore, I confronted him (yes girls, it's okay to confront guys) and asked him about our status. We were both afraid to make commitments for different reasons, but eventually we took the risk.

There it all started, we didn;t go through the usual relationship stage that "honeymoon" phase was out of the picture. Instead we were struggling to adjust with each other's time, expectations, and attitude. TIME was the biggest issue - like any typical woman, all I wanted was a bit of time and attention. He was busy with his work and building his career. From my point of view (not to be bias), I tried to understand and didn't want to demand, but if I'm not going to ask for it, he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm just another to-do in his to-do list, if I'm not in the schedule then I'm not part of it. Then he have issues with COMMUNICATION, not only because he doesn't text me as often as I want him too but we seem to misinterpret each others conversation. We end up fighting over little things, little words, little of everything. This really wasn't the relationship I wanted it to be, I know I have expectations on my side but I tried to adjust because everything was new to him - it was his first time to really commit in a relationship since highschool. I tried to understand but I end up hurting because I feel neglected most of the time and the funny thing is that he isn't even aware that I'm feeling that way (well, I think guys usually have no idea).

I have a long list of frustrations from small things like texting to big things like no show for the 1st monthsary. I've been blabbering to my friends and they told me to tell him, I have issues on expressing what I really feel or want. When I couldn't take it anymore, I told him but we end up arguing because he feels being judged and that really wasn't intention I was just being honest. From my calculation, we have arguments once every two weeks, when I'm silent then there's no issue. But I cannot just stay quiet and ignore my own feelings, it's killing me inside too.

In less than three months, our relationship was going down the drain and I don't know what to do anymore. So I confronted him and asked directly if how much is he willing to make our relationship work and he answered me with a "5" from a scale to 1-10. So all his actions were confirmed because he was only half willing to make it work, I'm was thinking the 5 half empty not half full so I assumed that he doesn't want to continue because of too much drama and time constraints. I may have misintrepreted what "5" really is but I didn't want to force him. If he really wants to then he has to prove it, I wanted it to work but I couldn't do it alone.

Though it didn't work out, I did learned a lot from this short relationship.

1. Break the wall - I was able to free myself from the walls of my fear of commitment. I know I was afraid to get hurt again, but this relationship taught me to conquer that fear.

2. Swallow Pride - Pride is the killer of every relationship, and in my previous relationship I had a lot of it. Though I still have my pride but I didn't allow it to consume me.

3. My Own Persona - He's uncaring and unloving attitude reflected who I am in my family which I need also to improve.

4. Man and Woman are very different - the way we think, we talk, we act, we interpret things. This is usually what ends a relationship, I was reading a book "Men, women, and relationship" but even if I am aware about it but if you are already in the situation it is really quite difficult to assess it.

5. Relationship requires effort, hardwork and WILLINGNESS - It's not only men who needs to do all the efforts, or the woman to do all the sweet moments, it requries both of the couple to make it work.