No More One More Chance

I honestly believed at first about one more chance, well maybe partly because I loved that movie but also because I think there's always room for another chance. Then as days passed by and things are getting much clearer now, I realized that not everything deserves another chance and one of that is - US. I honestly don't know why he keeps on mentioning about the future, maybe I'm just hallucinating and all - he said maybe one day he'll be back not mentioning anything though. I know he will I mean we have lots of common friends but I don't think if ever that will come, we could be good as new. As friends there's a possibility but that's that and nothing more and I would like to stick to that decision because of the following:

1. A DEEP SCAR. I was hurt and deeply wounded, though I had already forgiven him and the pain might be gone already soon but the scar or mark that he had caused will never be erased. It will be forever there until the day I die, like the quote "Love is like a broken glass; sometimes it's easier to leave it alone than to hurt yourself trying to fix it"

2. FEAR. The fear of what our future will look like after all this, if there is a future that is. I thought before that the song "Somewhere Down the Road" would might be applicable to us but the future seems too blurry now unlike before and I'm afraid to take that risk anymore. I just saw the film "Letters to Juliet" since there were two love stories involved there I don't know which one I would like be in. First, those old couple who met 50 years after believing that TRUE LOVE waits;or Second, the young couple which just took less than a week to have found that love? For now, I would dismiss that 50 years - True Love waits and would just concentrate what I have now.

3. NO MORE TRUST. One of the very important thing in a relationship aside from LOVE is TRUST, and it was completely shattered and broken into pieces. And it would really take I guess a lifetime to have it completely whole again or it might be whole but the cracks are still there. It will never be the same. He changed and I changed, everything about us changed.

4. GOD'S PLAN. I believe we're not just meant for each other and God had planned this for me so I'll be able to see the real HIM, he's no longer the boy I used to know. And there's someone out there for me, just waiting and it will come at the right time. 

The Two of Them Together

I never really anticipated it to happen, maybe before but now I thought that it would be best not to. It really makes me wonder how and why things happen when you least expect them or when you're not expecting it at all. I guess life is really a mystery, you can really never tell and predict what will happen.

August 25, 2011 at Ayala Mall. I had a dinner date with my college friends at the mall, so we met up at Ayala particularly near Blue Magic. At first one of my friend teased me that someone looked like my EX, I told her not to joke around because I would really go gaga if that will happen. While waiting for the others, we just stood beside the elevator, we even met and talked with one of our highschool classmate but then something caught my attention, I don't know if it was the t-shirt or the way he moves and all but I knew it was HIM then I saw the girl with a bouquet of flowers. I abruptly turned away, my friends told me I turned white and my hands were so cold, I really didn't know what to do at first. My friend told me to hide, but then I realized, why should I hide? I turned and looked at their direction, I just stood there looking at the girl from head to foot. Though I really didn't get a good glimpse of her since I was facing her back most of the time but not to be mean and bias at all, but I can't help but think "Really? You replaced me with her?" I don't feel insecure, I mean Oh common the girl is just simple and I know that his type but looked too mature. I guess the only advantage she has on me is her height (LOL) and that's about it.

I don't know when my EX noticed that we where there, my friend had a really loud voice greeting one of our friend that just arrived. I was concentrating more on the girl, I saw my EX hid beside the post and the girl approached him. I believe he didn't want to pass by our direction but the girl I guess insisted which in a way pissed me off. She didn't looked at me, but I know she knew I was there. I just followed her with my gaze, my EX trying to catch up. My friends were already getting paranoid and all, telling me we should follow them. He didn't even greeted my friends, I knew he was confused at that instance they had eye-to-eye contact with one of my friend, none of them also had guts to call him. My friend was afraid that I would make a scandal right there, which I thought of before but what for? That would just make me desperate. I guess my EX had that thought, he's afraid of what I might do. He should be but  I wouldn't make a fool out of myself, not anymore.

As for the flowers, I don't know. Maybe it was there monthsary, I did't receive any bouquet from him from the start of our relationship, even though I have forced him already (LOL). Maybe he changed, well, I really don't care. It hurt a bit but not that much as I would've expected it to be, maybe if we haven't got a chance to talk weeks before, it would have hurt so bad. I have no grudges with my EX, we'll be okay SOON. But the girl is another story, I told myself to just ignore her but I don't know why those who broke up because of a third party holds grudges not to their EX but to the third party? I guess I'm just normal since I  feel that way when I saw here. She knew from the start that we haven't broken up yet, I know that it was more on my EX side since he didn't stop himself from falling, but if she's a girl worthy of respect, she should know where to place herself. She should be familiar with the phrase "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you.." or better yet "What goes around, comes around..." but I guess she just can't stop herself. She just showed to the whole world what kind of girl she is, and I just wish her luck. Just let her try to intimidate me and I swear no matter how tall she is I'll bring her down. 

I Miss My Old Friend

It's just not the same without you

I don't have anyone to talk to

I miss our casual talks

I miss our leisure walks

I have accepted the fact that it's over

I know we can no longer be lovers

But I miss my best friend so much

It's just so hard to start from a scratch

Honestly I don't know what to do

I've tried to be strong and it's true

But I just can't help but cry 

Why our friendship has to end with a sad goodbye

It's just not fair, I'm suffering alone

While you have someone to lean on

Though my friends are helping me somehow

I still feel quite empty until now.

I miss my old friend so badly

Especially at nights when I feel so lonely

He was someone I can talk to about anything

From morning until late in the evening

I guess I wasn't prepared for this to happen

Everything was just so sudden

I just want you to know 

That I miss you so :(

An End for a New Beginning

The day had finally come, August 13, 2011 'Ang Muling Paghaharap' as they say. I know I have tried so many times to end this; made decisions that I told myself were already fixed but then I just can't help it; I needed to clear things up, to know the truth straight from him so that I won't be left hanging. People told me to go on with my life with or without any proper closure, it's easy for them to say it; let them experience this and they'll now how hard it is to make a fix decision. 

I was determined to end it already after I said, "Leave me alone..." but surprisingly he chatted me in my Yahoo Messenger because of my status which was "PROMISES are worse than LIES because you don't only make them believe, you make them hope. Hope for something you're NOT sure you can give" He said that the message hit him and again he apologized and told me he's ready to face me again for nth time. I was really confused if I should reply but then I know what I wanted, I wanted this to end so I said okay. I was really scared and depressed because I know everything was about to end, our almost 5-year relationship and even our friendship was at stake. I cried so hard even at my workplace, I know I should hold myself together but it's just so painful to see our relationship go down the drain so quickly. I tried so hard to be strong, I thought I was strong enough but no, I wanted to hold on but I know there's really nothing I can do anymore but to let go. One last very agonizing cry that is what I told myself, so that I won't have to cry anymore during our confrontation.

I planned that before we can talk, we'll go to Church and lit some candles; we usually do this before every monthsary. I just wanted to ask God for strength and enlightenment that I can handle this in a peaceful way and just for old times sake, for the last time. I was also planning to see his mother and sister for the last time, just to bid farewell and extend my gratitude. But sadly it didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be again, maybe God did this for a purpose. Our plan was supposed to be on a Friday afternoon, but then because of some important matters on his part, we had to cancel it; I don't like our talk to be in a rush. I was so mad at him, to think I had cried a bucket of tears or even more on that day, my heart was pounding so fast I almost couldn't breathe. So after a series of arguments, we decided to talk the next day, Saturday morning at Sto. Rosario Church, the place where we usually lit candles.

I arrived ahead of him not that I was excited, actually he was the one who left his place early but had to go somewhere. So I just stood there and wait, he approached me and I said "Hi". He asked if I had already eaten my breakfast and I replied "Not yet!" so we were about to go to Jollibee to eat but I told him that we had to do something first - lit the candles. He backed away instantly, I tried to get him but he refused to and told me not to force him. As I was lightning the candles through my shaking hands, I looked over to him and saw him covering his face with his handkerchief like he was wiping away the tears - as to why I really don't know. 

So after I lit the candles alone, we went to Jollibee to eat, I just wanted a burger but he insisted to eat some rice which I didn't refused since he was the paying for it anyway. So we sat down and started to talk and argue at the same time - good old days (lol). He asked me why am I doing this, why am I hurting myself like this? I wanted him to talk but he said that I was the one who wanted this, he really doesn't understand why I want to know the truth - the truth that would only hurt me more. I tried to explain to him that I was already hurt and the pain is there, no matter how I tried to conceal it, it's there and will be there for a long time but I chose not to suffer. I promised not to cry, but my tears just won't stay intact. He got mad because I started to cry, and there were many people; as if I care and besides I wasn't crying hard my tears just fall so easily. I started to cry when I asked him if it was really easy for him to forget our almost 5-year relationship? That he made me believe and worst of all hope that he'll come back to me; and that why he didn't do anything to correct his wrong doing when in fact he knew I was trying to hold on and was willing to accept him. 

He asked me what do I really want? He told me that "We're through! He doesn't want it anymore" and I knew that. But that wasn't my question, he also admitted that they are already in a relationship which was not a shock to me. He told me that it started as a joke but then he had fun and didn't want to end it, and the girl knew we never broke up before they started the joke. But he definitely denied that he said we broke up already during their Christmas party where it all started. There were still lots of unanswered questions because he gets mad and we argue again and again, he keeps telling me why do we need to talk about it that it's already clear that it's over because he has someone new. Everything was his fault, and he knew he'll regret it someday. 

Every time I started to cry, he gets furious as if he wasn't crying. Both of us were fighting back the tears, mine just fall so easily while he can control it but his eyes get teary as much as mine. Honestly, I don't know if he's telling me the the truth, if those tears were true and if I should still believe him. He told me he doesn't want to change his relationship status because other girls might not chat him anymore; he has a chatmate in California; he entered in a frat group or I don't know so that he'll be STRONG so that he won't cry anymore for reason that we didn't bother to discuss; and that he still didn't delete his profile pics with my face on it - he just hid it because a friend of mine tagged me in one of the photos. I honestly don't know the truth but why does he keeps on doing this and telling me things that I know I shouldn't care anymore.

I know I'll sound stupid and still be in denial if I say that there were instances that I feel there is still something for us, absolutely not now but maybe in the future. I don't know if they are just hints or I'm just losing my mind and couldn't get over this; one thing for certain it's over NOW and that should be the one stuck in my head and not the ff:

1. Not in a serious relationship - He told me he isn't sure about this. I just believe that this is an alibi so that I won't get hurt anymore. But then again he had a conversation with one of our mutual friend, my friend asked him if their relationship was a serious one, he just plainly answered that this he thinks it won't last long. If he's telling the truth, I pity the girl but then why should I care, she deserves it! *Evil grin.

2. Profile Pictures with me hidden - Oh common what why can't he just delete them or told me that it's none of my business? And why did I bother to ask. Did he just told me again that it was there so I won't get hurt? What is he trying to point out? We're through but why keep holding on to those memories/pictures?

3. Mentioned that maybe he'll show up when he has a good job and when his a professional already - Why? So he can treat me, I mean so what he can treat me as a friend even in his first salary, does he really need to be a professional for that and prove something?

4. The teary eyes - Maybe because of guilt, I don't think there is another meaning to it. PERIOD.

5. Shows concern (Going home late, meeting strangers, drinking) - We're friends, but he really doesn't have to bother. He even disapprove that I'm wearing shorts (lol).

6.  Mentioned that maybe he might want to come along with my friends on vacations someday - I have asked a friend of mine to delete him in our group and he noticed it, he just told me maybe someday he can come & join again.

7. Accepting our ring and told me that he'll treasure it - Again what for? I thought he would say just throw it or do whatever you want. I know I'll get hurt but I want to see that he doesn't care anymore.

8. SEE YOU SOON - His farewell remarks to me which is Big QUESTION MARK that I know doesn't mean anything so I need to STOP hallucinating about that 'SOON'. Why does he keeps on talking about the future anyway? He could have just shut up.

9. Preggy Issue - My friend told him during their conversation that many couples (3-5 years in a relationship) had broken up or if they haven't broken up they got pregnant. I was so shocked that he wished that I was pregnant instead. WHAAAAT??? Glad that won't ever happen because I have so many plans for my future.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I know there's no point of holding on to these speculations. What for? So that I'll end up hurting myself again, why can't he just hurt me ONE TIME so that it will end here and why can't he stop talking about the future? Why can't I stop thinking about this? WHY? WHY? WHY? He was really curious where I got so many information about THEM, but I didn't reveal it. I even told him that someone from his family told me the first clue about the girl - he really was surprised. That's for me to know and for him to find out, I know he'll find out soon.

I got what I wanted already, a pleasant separation with him - no hard feelings and all. That was all I wanted, I know that there's no use of hoping, I must let go and move on as soon as possible. After a series of drama, we had a pleasant talk about my life, his life, about my friends and his friends. I really missed and will miss that kind of conversation, we can talk about almost anything that pops out of our head but alas the time had come for us to go our separate ways. We had agreed that we have to distance ourselves from each other though it really wasn't a verbal agreement, just a meeting of minds I guess. So we shook hands and he told me "SEE YOU SOON!"        

Let's Get This Over...

Now I could really say that LOVE indeed is a mystery, I mean I never thought I could feel so much pain, never ever in my entire life especially from the person who I really loved and who I thought would never do this to me. It hurts and until now the pain is still here, though I tried to ignore it but I guess it doesn't disappear in one zap. I tried everything to save our relationship, I swallowed my pride and I was almost on my knees already trying to get him back but it didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. So I gave up and hid myself for almost a month trying to find myself and learning to stand up and fight this life's battle. I promised myself that I won't let myself down, that I won't be a loser, I'll be a winner and I'll let him see that this break up is one of the best thing that ever happened in my life.

Little by little and ever so slowly, I tried to accept that this is the end of our relationship, but friendship is still open for negotiation. I was about to but then unexpectedly but I was hoping though that he would contact me and he did. I was confused with all the feelings of joy, anxiety, anger and pain mixed together. I was happy because hey he finally got guts to contact me; anxiety because I don't know what he is thinking and planning to do; anger because he's confusing me, I don't know what his point is; and pain because it never disappeared I was only trying to conceal it but it was there, ready to divulge me again.

At first I didn't know what to do, should I ignore him completely as revenge or should I confront him since he said that he was ready to speak out and maybe end whatever has to end between us. Again swallowing my pride for the nth time, I followed my heart wanting to end and clear everything so to have a proper closure and all but then it didn't go exactly as I thought it would be. He chickened out again for the nth time telling me he is afraid, ashamed and guilty that he might cry during our confrontation. So I tried to understand and didn't force him at all unlike before, so our conversation was on and off a bit awkward and all.

Once in awhile I'll text him or he'll chat me just another short and awkward conversation again, I think he was about to open up and all, I mean that is what I want him to do also. But then as days passed and our communication was about to get better, I learned so many negatives things about him as mentioned in previous blog. I was again confused, though I tried to be strong but my heart just opens up easily and I'm afraid that he would break it again. I really didn't know what to do, I was happy, sadly I admit I was hoping and I know I shouldn't but I cannot control my feelings anymore. I know this has to STOP right now I don't understand where this is going anymore, what other proof do I need to prove to myself and to others that I should still hold on to this? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

So I decided to end it, once and for all. I don't want to tell it to him directly because I was in a bad mood, I might say something that I would regret; so I just posted a status in my yahoo messenger "Please leave me alone, thanks in advance" and surprisingly he replied "Sorry, Okay, I will go away, sorry". Honestly I don't want him to go away, I want him back again but I know it wouldn't be easy anymore so I have to let go. So now, here I am, trying to be strong again and trying to stop myself from missing him so much; it's not easy but I have to be firm with my decision now. I know someday, we'll meet again and by that time I hope we're both ready to face each other as friends.