Let Go or Hold On

It's been two weeks since our break up and I believe I'm on the recovery stage already. My emotion has been unstable but I am able to control it lately. Well, it's not really hard to move on, but something is always pulling me back. I tried asking advice from my friends and they have different opinions which made me think about it over and over again. For the girls, there's nothing to hold on to, I shouldn't clarify anything, let the guy make the move if he really wants to. For the guys and feeling guys, I should clarify it because there was no proper closure, I won't be able to move on completely.

I talked with my ex's brother and sister, I'm not even sure if I did the right thing but I think they are the one who can understand better since they know their brother - who is really different. To my surprise, he didn't told them at all - I presumed his older brother knew, maybe he didn't want them to know so that they won't ask any questions. His avoiding AGAIN, that's his talent. For them it was not clear, everything was "assumed" so it's either I confront him for proper closure or I just leave it as it is. Option 1 is what I want but it's really hard to do, I'm going to be the one to confront him again since I'm always the one who reaches out to him anyway. And being a woman, it would be like I'm the one hunting, it's a No No or just pride? 

I'm trying to come up of list as to why I should Hold On or just Let Go.

Holding On...

1. We misinterpreted what happened during our last encounter which was the break-up, we just assumed everything. It really was not my intention to break up with him, maybe it came out wrong and he was not in the mood or he was hungry so that was that. 

2.  Am I really in love with him? Love at first is based on feelings and what seems "right" at the moment. But love takes time, it's a process that both of you should work on even when that positive feeling is gone.

3. It's only been 3 months, 3 months??? I don't commit to short-term relationships, I think it can still work that if he is still willing to compromise.

4. I thought that "This is it!" the relationship I was waiting for after 5 years of waiting and building myself then it ends here? Oh no, I won't allow it or maybe this is just pride?

5. His afraid to reach out to me, he doesn't know what to do. So I should be the one to reach out.

6. Dejavu feels - I didn't fight for my previous relationship now I'm willing to fight for it, but is it really worth fighting for?

7. The rescuer in me, I was able to enter his bubble already and I could have helped him change. If only I was a bit more understanding.

8. We make a good team together - creative, design, travel and etc. 

Letting Go...

1. He is going through a process of finding and understanding himself and there's really nothing I can do about it right now. 

2. He is not that willing anymore and you are not going to settle for just "5" because there's no sense to it.

3. His priority right now is not me ;( He is not ready!

4. It's just not working! We have time and communication issue, I can't stand being a checklist in his schedule and we just misinterpret everything we say to each other.

5. It's draining and not healthy for both of us. It feels like I'm the only one who is trying to make this relationship work unless I want to be a martyr girlfriend.

6. I need to focus more on myself and my family.

7. I can't change him, I have to avoid being the "rescuer"

8. His mood swings drives me carzy!

9. We have different expectations - he wants it the way we were as friends and I want it to be a real relationship - more time!

Right now, I know the best option is just to let go. It's not really that hard to move on since attachment isn't really there yet but I can't stop thinking as well what if it will work out? Give it a try again? Or why is it that my exes won't fight? Am I not worthy enough?

But I know for now, it's better off that we'll just be friends again. If his fixing himself then I have to give him that space. I'm trying to keep our friendship and I don't know how it will work, maybe at first it would be a bit awkward but it can be done with God's grace. 

Follow your Heart or Mind?

Every break-up has a different story - it might be a long-term or short-term relationship, issues with third party or simple misunderstandings, through calm talks or raging fights. Whatever the cause is, the effect is quite similar - I hate going through this post break up thing but really I don't have a choice so let's just get on and be done with it fast. 

While going through the process, your mind would try to think and replay everything that happened and what could have happened. Then conflicts within will begin to arise - just when you think his a heartless jerk, a voice within would say that he's just confused. When you think about all the reasons to give up, the voice would say don't let go. When you think he doesn't love you, the voice would say he just don't know how to express it clearly to you. And it goes on for days until you decide which to follow. Like they say, the heart is the last organ to stop when one dies, I guess that applies to break-ups as well. Because the heart is the one who wants you to keep fighting despite of everything, I'm not even sure if what it says is true. They say, listen to your heart because it knows your true feelings but should I really follow it?

I am at this stage right now, my mind is telling me all the logical reasons why I should just let it go.

1. I am not happy, the connection is lost

2. It's not working and I don't know how to make it work anymore, It's draining!

3. He's not totally ready to commit and give his all

4. He's uncaring and unloving because he doesn't have a clue on this relationship, big EXCUSE

5. He's no longer willing to make the relationship work - he gave me a "5"

But my heart would only say "Don't Give Up!" it's not thinking obviously since it is based on what I really feel inside. Is this really what the heart is saying coz I want to remind the heart that it took 5 years to open up again but it ended in less than three months. I am not going to allow it to get hurt again - but then it whispers I am stronger now. Oh common, I'm talking to myself aren't I? That's the effect of break up so if you are like me, it's normal. But it would help if you can talk to someone not just yourself.

I try to think again that maybe I just love the idea of being in a relationship and not really the person that is in the realtionship. That's why when the relationship was not the one I expected it to be, I got disappointed. Now I just realized that you should focus on the person not the relationship itself, because if you love the person no matter where the relationship goes, it will keep on sailing. 

Another thing I learned about this relationship is ask for help before making a big decision like breaking up, even if the relationship is between the two of you, sometimes you need to seek advise from couple who has been through ups and downs. Those people that both of you can trust and is willing to help out. 

I just realized all of these while I'm writing right now, I know it's not connected to my topic but I'm writing it anyway. 

All I can say is that take your time, don't rush things. Listen to your heart and mind, weigh things and listen to what others say. 

8 Stupid Things Your Friends Say while going through a Break Up

Women usually want to talk - A LOT! especially during the most depressing moment of our lives - the break up. During this moment, we just want to narrate the story over and over again to our friends who at first seem to be concerned but eventually they'll get tired of our whining. 

Note to self, don't talk much to your friends who didn't experience a heart-wretching break up, you may have different stories but the feeling is more likely the same. You'll know them because they are the one who would say these stupid things right after break up.

1. ARE YOU OKAY?

Am I okay? We just broke off, so do you think I am okay? I honestly don't know how to respond to this stupid question because if you say "NO!" they'll pity you and if you say "YES!" they have that questionable look in their eyes. Of course I am not ok (yet) but I know I will be. 

2. MOVE ON!

Oh common, don't you think that I know that? Of course, I want to move on and as simple as it is to say, it's so hard to do because it's a process. Who on earth would want to get stuck on this pain-staking break up? I know I don't want to but it just takes time and action. 

3. THERE ARE A LOT OF FISH IN THE SEA

Woooow! Really? I didn't know that. Duuuuh! Do you really think I care about the billion of other fish in the sea right now? I just lost one, he might not be the best fish in the sea but hey I've invested on that stupid fish. Right now I don't need another fish.

4.  FINALLY YOU CAME TO YOUR SENSES

 

You really think so? Well, I know he can be a jerk sometimes and it took me awhile to realize that he was not good but you don't have to rub it in my face that I got blinded by the red signals.

5. WHAT IF HE'LL COME BACK?

 

Right now? Then I wouldn't be sulking here all day, feeling depressed and not wanting him back, right? Even if I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I miss him so much, that really would just jeopardize everything all over again. So don't let me think of that or else I might do something stupid.

6. IT'S GOOD TO BE SINGLE

Are you sure? I know being single is great and I've been single for quite sometime too but that's no longer what I want right now. Some who are in a relationship might want to be single again, then try it and we'll see how good it is.

7. I KNEW IT WAS COMING

Thanks for being a psychic friend, and slapping me with "I-told-you-so". I didn't predicted it to end, can't you see? I tried my best to keep the relationship from going down the drain and it's painful to see. Don't tell me you knew because I didn't want it to happen in the first place.

8. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

 

Do you have an amnesia pill there? Because no matter how I try not to think about it, I can't stop my mind and it's giving me a headache already. I have been flipping my thoughts every minute, now I'm beginning to flip. It would be easy to hit your head on a wall just to forget about it.

If you have a friend going through a break up, all you really need to do is LISTEN. Don't give unsolicited advices or react on how it was with your break up because you might not have the same experience. Bear with her for a moment, she knows she just needs time and a whole lot of talking to get back on her track. 

5 Things Women Do After a Break Up

Dealing with break up is undeniably difficult especially for women since we have all these emotions enveloping us. Whether it's a long-term relationship of 5-years or a short-term relationship of 3-months, it still hurts though in different scale. But the point is, we go through the same cycle when we experience that thing called "break-up". 

Comparing my two break-ups, of course my 5-year relationship hurts more than my less than 3-month relationship. I thought that I'll get over this in a jiffy, maybe a day or two would do, and I'll skip the other stages of grief - DABDA. No big deal since I really wasn't attached yet. Later did I realized that the stages were quite familiar, too familiar that it scared me. 

I realized that there is a pattern on how we, women, deal with break ups. No matter how strong we think we are, we just have to accept that we need to go through these process to be able to heal ourselves.

1. CRY YOUR HEART OUT

Girls, we are known to be true to our feelings - you don't need to excuse yourself from crying because girls will be girls. No matter how much your going to convince yourself that you're okay, you are not okay (yet) so don't be ashamed to cry because that's the only way we can find ourselves again. But please, if possible do it in private or with a close friend. Don't do it to get the attention like posting a photo of you crying in the social media, you'll only make it worse.

2. TALK TO A FRIEND

Talk to someone you can trust. When women are stressed they need to talk (not so surprising, right?) because that is our outlet to find balance and understand the situation. Most of the time when we start talking we actually don't know what we really want to say, we have something in mind but end up talking about other stuffs before we get right to the point. Talk to a friend who would care enough to listen even if you are not making any sense at all, just let it out. 

3. FOLLOW YOUR HEART OR MIND

After talking to someone, you'll be able to see a bigger picture of the break-up either you were able to see it from your point of view or from other people's perspective. You'll come to a point when you are not sure if the decision you made was correct, you start to think if you should really LET GO or HOLD ON. This is really the most difficult part because this is where your HEART and MIND would not agree, and choosing which to follow would give you both a headache and a heartache. Some say "listen to your heart" while others would say "read your mind", but this would really depend on your situation. I'm having difficulty deciding about it right now, usually the MIND would say "NO" and will tell you all the reasons why it didn't work out, but the HEART would say "GO" all because of that "feeling" you have inside you that seems to be the right thing to do without any reasonable explanation.

4. EUREKA MOMENT

Now it's the make or break moment. If you decide to BARGAIN that means to try to work it out again then by all means do it, no one can actually stop you not even yourself. Even if how many people you ask for advise on what you need to do, the choice is really up to you. It may even come to a point that all your friends will tell you to STOP but you can't because deep within you, you want to still prove something to yourself even if you look like a fool already and even if it hurts. Been there, done that - that's why everytime a friend of mine asks for my advise on this - I ask her what she wants to do because you do crazy things for love. Eventually you will know when to stop too. 

If you decided to just let it go, if you think it will save you from a lot of heartaches in the future, good choice.

5. MOVING ON

You'll expereince a lot of stages like DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) thoughout the breakup but believe me you get through it somehow. There's actually no exact timeline as to when you are going to recover fully, it's a process actually but the important thing is that you are on your way to a greater life. If you tried to give it a second chance and it worked then by all means make it work - I do believe that love is sweeter the second time around as long as both of you are willing to compromise. 

But sadly, it has really come to an end. Then maybe it was just not the right guy or the right time but at least you tried. Always remember, everything happens for a reason either it's a blessing or a lesson. 

The Second Heartache

For almost five years of being single, I finally found someone who I thought was the one - at the moment. Being single is not really that bad, you get to decide on your own what you want to do with your life. But at some point, you'll miss the feeling of having someone to talk to anytime of the day, building your dreams in life, doing crazy things together, travelling together with an action cam following you around.

It wasn't easy for me to fall for any guy, I'm not that picky but I wasn't into guys who would follow me around like a puppy. I wanted a "challenging" guy, someone who has character, who would not easily give in to my beauty (lol), and who stands by his decisions. And there he was, we've been together in a part-time business for two (2) years, people think we were an item but we brushed it off constantly. There were blurry signals since both of us had walls, we were both afraid of commitment.

But fate had it's way or that's how we interpreted it, we got close then closer. Sending mix signals all over, I don't typically assume those little signals but maybe because he was a "challenging" handsome catch, I fell for it. And because I couldn't take it anymore, I confronted him (yes girls, it's okay to confront guys) and asked him about our status. We were both afraid to make commitments for different reasons, but eventually we took the risk.

There it all started, we didn;t go through the usual relationship stage that "honeymoon" phase was out of the picture. Instead we were struggling to adjust with each other's time, expectations, and attitude. TIME was the biggest issue - like any typical woman, all I wanted was a bit of time and attention. He was busy with his work and building his career. From my point of view (not to be bias), I tried to understand and didn't want to demand, but if I'm not going to ask for it, he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm just another to-do in his to-do list, if I'm not in the schedule then I'm not part of it. Then he have issues with COMMUNICATION, not only because he doesn't text me as often as I want him too but we seem to misinterpret each others conversation. We end up fighting over little things, little words, little of everything. This really wasn't the relationship I wanted it to be, I know I have expectations on my side but I tried to adjust because everything was new to him - it was his first time to really commit in a relationship since highschool. I tried to understand but I end up hurting because I feel neglected most of the time and the funny thing is that he isn't even aware that I'm feeling that way (well, I think guys usually have no idea).

I have a long list of frustrations from small things like texting to big things like no show for the 1st monthsary. I've been blabbering to my friends and they told me to tell him, I have issues on expressing what I really feel or want. When I couldn't take it anymore, I told him but we end up arguing because he feels being judged and that really wasn't intention I was just being honest. From my calculation, we have arguments once every two weeks, when I'm silent then there's no issue. But I cannot just stay quiet and ignore my own feelings, it's killing me inside too.

In less than three months, our relationship was going down the drain and I don't know what to do anymore. So I confronted him and asked directly if how much is he willing to make our relationship work and he answered me with a "5" from a scale to 1-10. So all his actions were confirmed because he was only half willing to make it work, I'm was thinking the 5 half empty not half full so I assumed that he doesn't want to continue because of too much drama and time constraints. I may have misintrepreted what "5" really is but I didn't want to force him. If he really wants to then he has to prove it, I wanted it to work but I couldn't do it alone.

Though it didn't work out, I did learned a lot from this short relationship.

1. Break the wall - I was able to free myself from the walls of my fear of commitment. I know I was afraid to get hurt again, but this relationship taught me to conquer that fear.

2. Swallow Pride - Pride is the killer of every relationship, and in my previous relationship I had a lot of it. Though I still have my pride but I didn't allow it to consume me.

3. My Own Persona - He's uncaring and unloving attitude reflected who I am in my family which I need also to improve.

4. Man and Woman are very different - the way we think, we talk, we act, we interpret things. This is usually what ends a relationship, I was reading a book "Men, women, and relationship" but even if I am aware about it but if you are already in the situation it is really quite difficult to assess it.

5. Relationship requires effort, hardwork and WILLINGNESS - It's not only men who needs to do all the efforts, or the woman to do all the sweet moments, it requries both of the couple to make it work. 

All is Well After All

It's really been awhile since my last post, I wasn't planning to write again but I read some of the comments in here hoping that I am okay and found someone new already (thanks for leaving a comment by the way). Well, if you have not read my break-up story in this blog, it was just the normal 5-year relationship break up story. Young sweethearts in love or commonly known as "First Love" for both of us, we thought that love would last forever but sadly it was not a happy-ever after, boy meets another girl - end of story. See, there really wasn't anything extraordinary about our love story, I bet you heard the same story million times. But believe me, if you experience it first hand not just in the movies or your friend's break-up, it will surely try to kill you piece by piece. It's no joke! How I cope up with it was through this blog, I wrote all my feelings and searched sites on how to fix a broken heart, I was so desperate - that was 3 years ago.

Moving forward now, as I try to recall and read through my blogs, what seemed before as a tragedy now had opened the doors of opportunities. I won't deny that I was hurt, I really can't explain how overwhelming the pain was but it's really up to you if you want to stay that way, I chose to stand up and took it as an opportunity to become a better me. 

I lost a part me but I was able to re-gain the lost me. Being single is really not that bad after all, I was able to do things I want to do which I couldn't if I was in my previous relationship due to some trust issues. I joined different organizations - SFC (Singles For Christ) to be closer to God; Mountaineering Group to explore the mountains; IMG (International Marketing Group) to learn more about how to achieve financial security; it was also the time I got promoted in my job and I got to travel different places both local and international. Isn't it amazing? So if you ask how am I doing? I'm doing great! I believe God has a purpose, as they say when one door closed another door or rather doors open, you just got to have the strength to open it.

     

Trip to Netherlands

SFC Conference

                                                     

Climbing Mt. Naopa

Now for the other tricky question, do I have someone new? The answer is --- NO! I know the first thing that would pop up in your mind is that I have not moved on yet, but I could say I moved on coz just this July our path finally crossed though I had an advantage because I know he will be there. Just to cut the story short - we met a fast food chain where they planned to have lunch, I know because I was going to meet one of his friend for an appointment. Though at first when I saw him my heart was pounding in my chest but later on it calmed down and I was about to chicken out but thought what the heck it's now or never so I went over their table and said "hi there" and he was 'surprised'. While I was in their table I just chat along with his friends and he was silent, there was no more anger or pain. Alleluia! It was just like having an old friend except he was not talking, I didn't stayed long when I left I even said "Hi-5!" a sign of friendship and affirmation to forget about the past, it was a great feeling.

I had few suitors and flings but nothing serious, I honestly don't know if I'm afraid to fall in love again aside from they are not really the one I'm looking for. Though sometimes I do long for someone to lean on and have a travel buddy, I'm more cautious now or maybe I'm not just ready yet. I've came across a book on how to find your one true love and it says "To find Mr. Right, you must become Ms. Right first".

If you're going through a bad break up today, I assure you that you'll get through it somehow IF you chose to. Yours might be worse than mine but I know how excruciating the pain is, first step is you need to DECIDE what you really want to do in your life - are you going to lock yourself for the rest of your life or open the other window to see the light of other side? It would take time, yes indeed, but surely time alone won't heal you, you need to act on it. And most importantly, PRAY, ask God for courage and strength to stand up and face the world again; seek for guidance and ask Him to lead you to the right path. Everyday is a struggle but at the end of the day you can say 'All is well after all!'.

What it feels like to be - The Other Woman Part 1

I don't know what's with the movies these days that "kabit" thing is so rampant, it started with the "No Other Woman" then "The Mistress" and just recently "The Secret Affair" which are all a blockbuster hit. I guess this is rampant now in the society and I for one had experienced this first hand though we were not married but still there's the "other woman" issue. I really despised people who are ruining other people's relationship, I just really don't get why "other woman" would be so insensitive, cruel, stupid, dumb, ruthless, etc. Don't they think? They are hurting someone and might hurt themselves too since they are entering into a "bawal na pag-ibig" restricted love affair. I had a long list of questions on these so called "Other Woman" like why can't they respect a relationship; why can't they just ignore stupid unfaithful boyfriends who are flirting with them; why can't they say NO? and my list goes on and on. 

Who would have thought that after a year of blabbering these questions about "other woman", I would end up answering them myself. Just to make it clear from this point, I am not one of the "other woman" and I will not allow myself to be and that is my promise to myself, but I experienced how it feels like to be one though and it really was quite hard to be labeled as one.

Honestly, I didn't even have any idea how the whole thing went out of hand, was I too nice? I only know that we are friends and that is that coz I know from the start that he has a girlfriend and to make things more complicated they are both a friend of my ex, small world isn't it? He even knows our love story from the start to the end, he has too many information about our breakup and after breakup which I was really curious since I know he is not that close to my ex, but his girlfriend is. Anyway, we work in the same company but different department, he just contacted me because of a survey and from there we had a constant communication through chat. We get along well, I mean we can talk about anything and though he is a bit too frank sometimes, well, okay most of the time, but I just brushed it off. From there, he treats and invites me for breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner and even waits for me until I go home and even "hatod" me at our house. At first, I really didn't mind at all but my officemates were already teasing me and warning me at the same time, I know there was really "something" but I just denied it, I didn't want to be a "feeler" coz again we are friends, JUST friends and again he has a girlfriend though they were not in good terms. If I abruptly ignore him, it might seem that I am guilty of something which I am NOT, but I was already aware of the changes and I was on red alert.

And one Thursday night, he admitted that he had fallen for me, we talked it out because I don't want us to feel awkward towards each other, I had already considered him as a friend. He knew what I went through before and I don't want to enter that kind of situation in which I am the one being considered as "the other woman" and what made things worst was that we are interconnected with my ex, can you imagine that if someone will ask, who's that girl? "Oh, she's the ex-of *****" like what? It's really a small small world and I really don't want to be labeled as the "other woman". He knows that, he knows this is quite a complicated thing and he doesn't know why and what's with me (lol) but he said I should be open to the possibilities, maybe not now but in the future, I should try to open my heart to that and all I can say is NO, NO, NO! I told him that I respect relationships and friendship at the same time that's why I confronted him.  He offered an unsolicited advice that I shouldn't be too nice (uh-oh). I thought after that talk everything was cleared but my mistake it just got started and I really don't know why I myself can't ignore him.

Everything I have said before about the other woman bounced back to me, it was like a slap on my face - why can't I push him away? Am I enjoying this attention? What if his girlfriend will know, am I dead? Will my ex know, will he laugh at me? And my list goes on and on, I was honest with him, I told him about this and that he should hold on to their relationship or else I'll be the one to move away which I really don't know why I cannot do. I was really happy when he was pursuing his girlfriend again and tried to mend their relationship, though we still have a constant communication, I was always asked for their updates and they were doing well. But he still has that "something" sometimes which I just ignored, you know him being too caring and all, again, I don't want to be a "feeler" and he'll just say to me that he knows we're friends and there's no need to remind him about it - duh! Until when I knew that his girlfriend, by the way knows me since she is close with my ex's didn't bother at first but could feel something also, which is very natural at all. I wanted to meet her, but he wouldn't, he might feel guilty or uneasy, there was one time when we saw them and he just ignored us as if we don't know each other -WTH. And then her girlfriend is suspicious already, I can feel it, women's intuition - been there, done that. I was thinking that if she would confront me, I am really not guilty at all coz I always said "NO" and I am firm with it, his boyfriend knows that and from the start I made that clear but I know I made a mistake also, I should have stopped him.

Realizations:

1. Being labeled as the "other woman" is hard, it doesn't matter if your intention is to be just friends, from people's point of view if you are together with someone who is in a relationship then you will be labeled as it is already which is really unfair esp. if your friendship started in between their relationship, it's a no-no.

2. It is not always the "other woman" at fault or the destroyer of the relationship, it depends on who initiated the affair. I realized that boys will always be boys, so the labeled other woman should control herself and not fell into the trap or she'll be sorry. Learn to say NO that's what I did, and he was thankful for it.

3. I learn to say NO from my experience since I was once in the shoes of his girlfriend, I always kept on thinking about that. If not from that experience, I would have made one of the biggest mistake of my life also. Luckily, I used my brain and my heart is not functioning properly yet.

4. Though honestly, I was kilig because it had been quite a long time since somebody had made efforts to make me feel special, I guess that was one thing why I was not able to get out of it; and though I don't want to admit it but I realized that it was about my ex also - I guess part of me wants to be updated still, damn. It's his fault, he always digs up my past which I like and hate at the same time.

5. Do not be too nice, wrong people might fall in love with me. Hahaha! This was his unsolicited advise, I'm really not sure what being too nice is, I'm just being me. and FYI, it took me quite a long time to open up again since I was really used to NO BOYS ALLOWED territory.