Here We Go Again

What am I doing? This really has to stop and has to end right now before it gets even worse. Okay so the latest news is I know who the girl is now; somebody had told me that he posted on the girl's wall and since I have accepted his invite we're friends again in Facebook and I could see his wall post - Tadaaaa! She wasn't the one I was expecting, I mean from the description of his father it was really way exaggerated and I was even a little bit nervous if the description of a sexy star was indeed correct. But alas it was not, I mean not that the girl wasn't pretty and all, she's okay but really she isn't a bitch I could really say. As far as I could remember, I think we were introduced years before, I really couldn't pinpoint when but the name is familiar, he had mentioned that name before. Okay, I know stalking is a BIG NO, but I couldn't help it. But honestly, I didn't feel something about the girl, no hard feelings and all, but I just couldn't help but tease her a bit so I added her up as a friend just to let her know that I know who she is. 

What bothered me the most was knowing that something fishy was happening to him and his close friend. My friend told me that somebody saw them kissing in a beer house, I was like what? And to think I confided that bitch I mean girl all this time about my feelings for his so called bro. I just can't believe it, I mean I can believe but WTF? I know the girl is in a relationship now but I know it really is possible, anything is possible with liquor. And it even gave me more reasons why I should hate him even if I tried to control it. I know I'm stupid because I communicated him, I made him feel that no harm was done and everything is okay which is not, I just want to clear things out once and for all but I know a part of me is still hoping which I should control but so hard to do. 

When will I ever stop this insanity? Really I thought I was okay but then here I am again, when will this agony end? Actually it just started, I told myself after those revelations that I will no longer be a fool, guess what I just fooled myself today. I don't understand myself anymore, I don't want him to feel I'm angry so what is really my intention? So he'll open up? I know something is up in my subconscious and I'm really really scared to admit that I want him back since a big part of me is saying NO because of so many things that I just discovered and I know there are more that would just hurt me again and again. Do I really love the pain? Haha!

We had a short chat today, he told me that he was scared of looking at my post and my friend's post, he assumed that we were talking about him. Honestly, I never had a post directly targeting him, only quotes and that was why I deactivated my account to avoid a not so good scene in Facebook. I just don't want to have any grudge on him, that is all that I'm trying to control though sometimes I mean all the time he is a pain in the butt. Again he doesn't seem to have the guts to confront me, maybe soon I don't know how soon is soon, he really does want me to suffer. I asked him why in the first place did he messaged me and surprisingly he said that he missed me, I don't know if I should be glad or be anxious of his answer. All I want now is for us to get things straight if he doesn't want it now, fine; I'll be waiting in vain hopefully for the last time. I have to get myself together again, please help me Lord.

Let Me Go

There are nights when I just can't help but cry
Honestly I really don't know why
I guess it's really hard to say good-bye
Coz the tears just keep on falling from my eyes

I tried everything that I can do
Just to forget all about you
Letting go wasn't easy at all
Every time I try to stand up, I fall.

I was about to move on completely
But then you show'd up surprisingly
I don't know what's your intention
But can you be clear with your action?

You're really making it hard for me
The pain is killing me, can't you see?
Why can't you just leave me alone
I'll be fine, I just want to move on

Please let me go, I'm begging you
You don't know what I've been through
Just do it now, do it quick.
Before my heart stops to tick.

Moving backwards again

This really isn't working out at all, I don't know if I made a mistake and took a wrong direction. Okay so I tried to apply those 5 things on how to get back at your ex/get your ex back - 

1. Be Strong - I was trying to be strong and was getting used to it until the exchange of messages. Now, I'm moving backwards again, I really hate this feeling. Can I please move forward now? He really isn't helping me, he is just torturing me AGAIN without even knowing it. I want this to end whatever has to end, either our relationship be in a full-stop or end this misery. He can't face me because he realized he wasn't strong enough yet, he's afraid or I don't know exactly what his point is. For now I want to be alone AGAIN, actually shutting my world has done good for me, if it is the only way for me to feel better again then I might do it again.

2. No communication - I had done this and it did resulted to what I wanted at first - for him to be the one to communicate with me. But it wasn't the way I expected it to be. Just two tries and he gives up? What a loser! And me? You can call me one also since I wasn't able to stop myself from communicating with him because as mentioned he isn't that type of guy who has a whole lot of guts especially that he is so guilty, he is ashamed and all. I don't know if this is the right path, but since I chose did there's no way back. I'll just have to stop myself AGAIN, especially now that he has my number. Really you can call me crazy now, there's really no use of changing my number again.

3. Be flexible. I did and it's making me crazy now. Now I know how difficult it is to try to understand and just go with the flow. Since he is not ready AGAIN, I told him that I'm not in a hurry either and I'll not force him if he doesn't want to which is really a big fat lie after he didn't reply to my message! He's crazy and he's making me crazy also but I need to control myself. My friends are going to kill me if they found out about this.

4. Go out. I went out almost every weekend after my short vacation/soul searching. I can't even seem to fix and follow my schedule anymore since I plan to go to the gym every Saturday afternoon but now my friends are asking me to go out. My grandma is already lecturing me about going home at almost or even way passed midnight which is really not me. Maybe she understands that I need to go out, she knows but the details I kept it from them even until now. Going out is one way to seek possible prospect but until now there's nobody. If I were a boy, I could have asked a girl right now but since I'm a girl I have to wait to be asked, arghhhh. 

5. Be Yourself. I let him see that I am still me. I had forgiven him, though actually that isn't me. He knows that my pride is way beyond and that I'm not a goody-goody, if he wants a fight then a fight he will get. We'll that was before, and change can be if it is for the better. I was my usual self when we exchanged messages, he on the other hand was not. I even asked him if it really bothered him that we are texting or that SOMEONE will get mad if he text me? He said that he's still ashamed and just couldn't face me; that's his problem and my problem too. I want him to open up but if he doesn't what could I possibly do? Forcing him is totally out, so I'll just be patient.

I want to build a new world, a world without him. I want a world with no connections whatsoever with him, though we have many mutual friends but I know which side they are on. Most are my friends which became his friends because they're my friends. As for his friends, who became my friends because they're his friends we'll I can only name some and just deleted most of them in my Facebook account. Facebook really is something, I created a new account because my username is a combination of our names, I have to let go of that and also there are still many people there that has connections with him. So I deactivated my first account to avoid confusion, I really don't get it, his mother added me up in my new account and the only way I can think of is that somebody was searching for me - his mother? I don't think so. I'm certain by 99% that it was him, I mean why would his mother be looking for me? We hadn't have any conversation and all before I deactivated my 1st account and does she really wants to be updated with my life after just having a grandchild? I really want to tell him to leave me alone already or face me now so we can get through with this once and for all.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY, PLEASE LET ME BE.

The 3-month Rule

Ever heard of the 3-month rule after a break-up? I only heard and I guess most of us had  an idea about this after viewing one of the most unforgettable and romantic film that in some way made an impact in our lives, ONE MORE CHANCE. Even my ex-boyfriend loved this movie, I think he had watched this movie for the nth time and to think this isn't any action movie guys are fond of watching; if my memory is correct he even cried - well not totally crying - boo hoo; but his eyes got misty and all from forcing his tears not to fall. 

It really was a great story, though it was just another ordinary love story I guess that is the reason why it touched so many hearts since many could relate to the story. Just a short description, this story is about a couple, Popoy and Basha, who broke up in their 5-year relationship (If I'm not mistaken) because of endless disagreements and Basha had enough and needed space. The 3-month rule came in when Popoy thought that Basha's co-worker was his new boyfriend, stating there was still one month before they can enter a new relationship. They went on there separate ways, Popoy had a new girlfriend while Basha was happy with her life or she thought she was but not. The famous tag line “She loved me at my worst. You had me at my best and you chose to break my heart…”  had been imprinted in the viewer's hearts.  Whether you call it fate or destiny, Love will always find a way. Love is letting go of someone you love for their happiness - Popoy's girlfriend had to let him go knowing his heart was somewhere else. And I guess true love does wait and it's about giving one more chance. 

The 3-month rule simply implies that you have to give each other three months before entering into a new relationship, not only as a sign of respect especially if the break-up was not a mutual one but also for both parties to heal and think it over. Three months might not be enough to heal the pain not to mention to fully move on, but it's part of the healing process.  

While I was watching the movie with my ex, I couldn't relate very well. We were even asking each other if that will happen to us in 5 years and sadly it did. I'm not sure if one more chance will happen to us, we are in a different situation, but I did follow the 3-month rule and it ended just 2 days ago. I'm not closing my doors to anyone, even to him, but I'm not in a hurry also. If someone would knock on it, then we'll see but not until I'm ready, I don't want to be unfair, I want this break-up to be a learning experience for the better not bitter.

Please Stop...

I cannot take this anymore, not again. Okay, so almost a week had past since he last emailed me saying that he's willing to have a confrontation with me now since before he doesn't want to confront me no matter what I do. I don't know what came into me, I told myself not to make any move or whatsoever; I had to control myself. But my stupid heart won again, when will this ever end? I have mentioned in my previous blog reasons why I shouldn't make a move but then there's another side of it. I know my ex, and he isn't one of those guys who would be courageous enough to try and try, if he thinks he won't succeed then he would rather not do it. IF he thinks there's no more chance, then he would not pursuit it; that's what I know about him but there are many things I didn't know also, so ergo I don't really know. 

Despite the pain that is again starting to overwhelm me, I had to do something. I'm not sure actually why I did it but I just had to. I texted him, I told him that I wasn't mad and that I have already accepted his apology. He replied telling me he was sick and we couldn't meet coz I might get it also. Concerned or just chickened out? I'm not really sure, again I'm starting to get confused and the pain Oh the pain that I don't want to feel anymore. I really don't want to expect him to come back to me, I just want us to talk about it and to go on separately with no hard feelings. It's all coming back, even the tears are coming back. I hate him for this ang myself for letting me feel this way. 

Is he really torturing me because after a week I had no sign of him AGAIN. I imagined our confrontation both the good and the bad, why can't we just go on with it, right now! I had to convince myself to stop thinking about him, to expect nothing from him. I know I'm taking risks here, I didn't told anyone that I made contact with him, I know they will judge me accordingly. I even regret it now, but there's no turning back. All I have to do is wait and control myself not to make the moves again.

I really do hope I can get over this more easily than before, I ask God for strength and courage. I don't want to ever be in that kind of situation as much as possible because I don't want to bear it again. Damn, why did I texted him on my new number, so now I have to glance at it once in awhile. Where's my prince charming? I want something or someone to occupy my head every single second, minute, hour, etc. My defense shield is starting to thin now, please no. I have to keep my focus - think positive in the future without him. Think. Think. Think.

It worked but wait...

OMG... It worked and I'm referring to my article about how to get back at your ex/get your ex back. When I started that article I wanted to get my ex back but then as days passed I was in doubt since maybe we were really not meant to be. Well, there's no harm in trying since in both ways it would lead me to somewhere that I hoped would make me happy. 

I re-activated my Facebook already, and guess what right immediately he added me as a friend which I completely ignored then "Poke" me there which I also ignored. I was surprised that he sent me a message in one of my gmail account, saying that he doesn't know what to say, he's ashamed of himself, and that I looked blooming in my Facebook picture (Yeaaah, indeed I am!) He also asked if he can be my friend. Again I ignored him. He messaged again, saying that he's sorry that our break-up was not a good one and said that he is ready to talk to me if it's alright with me now but if not then he totally understands because it was his fault and all. IGNORED.

Actually I was confused, since in the first place I was the one telling him that we can be friends and I'll wait when he's ready to face me again, since forcing him is really not a good idea at all but now here I am ignoring him because:

1. PROVE IT! 

Okay, I wanted to know if he really is sincere and true about making friends with me. I don't want to expect that he'll come back to me now because it will just hurt me again. I wanted to see him making more effort than just messages, he knows where I live and work, my number and etc. It's not like we live in different world, we have lots of common friends, and all. 

2. HELLO PRIDE!

God knows how much I tried before just to get him back, I did everything I can and swallowed all my pride but he just ignored me completely. Like hello? It hurts! So now I was thinking, it's my turn. I want him to feel the pain that he had inflicted on me before. 

3. FEAR 

I'm afraid to hear what he'll say. Okay, so I have accepted it but I'm not that strong yet, I'm still at the beginning of accepting it, and I don't want to feel the pain again. Please no more! Though I wanted a proper closure, but knowing that he chose the girl rather than me it is still a big slap on my face. I don't want to expect that he'll come back to me also because I'm not ready and what if he'll not say that. For now, maybe I want us to be friends but I know it's quite difficult also, I have to be strong and I know that but how?

My mind was already fixed that I should ignore him for the stated reasons above. But then, my cousin told me that I should face him now because I might regret it later. My mind just snapped at that instance, Oh no! I'm so confused, I mean why can't he just leave me alone, I was getting better already and starting to live my life without him. Why is he coming back now? What is he planning? Should I face him once and for all or should I ignore him and wait until I'm ready? I really don't want to be in a dilemma again, I had already conquered it before and I don't want to be in pain again.

I chatted some of my friends and his friends and it was more of a tie; some said ignore him that's what he deserves while others said face him now just don't expect anything but in the end it is still up to me. I was so hard, I'm confused and afraid but I had to be strong I know that. I asked God for guidance and it was in my heart. I had to face him now, if this is to put an end to our relationship then okay I accept since this is what I wanted before, it's now or never. I mean it's better now than feel the pain again in the future, I know it will hurt me but not that much I guess; I just need to be strong - I'll ask God for courage and strength. As they said there is only a beginning when there is an ending. To be able to start my new beginning I have to end this properly NOW. They asked me what if he wants me back. To be honest, I still loved him but as of now I don't think it's the right time yet. I have forgiven him, but forgetting about it is different. If he does then he has to prove it to me. 

A New Beginning

It's been quite awhile since I posted here in my blog, we'll I've been to somewhere - soul searching as I call it but more on vacation; and it did do me good. After almost a month of isolation, I decided as planned that I'd be coming back for good with a smile on my face, ready to face a new beginning though I was quite hesitant at first because fear was still there but I knew I had to face it and I did.

For those days that I've isolated myself, honestly there wasn't a single day that I didn't think about him. I was thinking if he was really the one for me or there was someone better out there for me. I knew I had to decide either to wait for him to come into his senses and face me or start a new life without the proper closure that I have wanted. So it's easy to pinpoint which is better right? But sometimes I guess I was still hoping but I have to keep on pushing myself to go on with my life and that is exactly what I did. 

I have to congratulate myself since now I can say that I learned to accept this situation. I have to admit it was like a roller coaster ride, I had to hold on tight to my seat while my world was in topsy-turvy with all the 360 degrees turn. Though I know I haven't moved on completely, but it's a start. I'm just focusing now on how to be happy and not to dwell much in the past. 

"I may have stumbled before, but now no more..." 

You Made Me Stronger - Regine Velasquez

Is it hard to believe I'm okay
After all, it's been a while since you walked away
I'm way past crying over your finding someone new
You turned my days into bright
But now I see the light
And this may be a big surprise to you

REFRAIN:

You've made me stronger by breaking my heart
You ended my life and made a better one start
You've taught me everything from fallin' in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, you've made me stronger, baby, by saying goodbye

If you'd rather believe I'm not over you
Go ahead-there's nothing wrong with making believe
I know 'cause I used to pretend you'd come back to me
But time has been such a friend
Brought me to my senses again
And I have you to thank for setting me free

(Repeat Refrain)
Think again
Don't feel so sorry for me, my friend
Oh, don't you know
I'm not the one at the losing end.

(Repeat Refrain)

You made stronger by saying
Goodbye...