Monday, July 18, 2011

Please Stop...

I cannot take this anymore, not again. Okay, so almost a week had past since he last emailed me saying that he's willing to have a confrontation with me now since before he doesn't want to confront me no matter what I do. I don't know what came into me, I told myself not to make any move or whatsoever; I had to control myself. But my stupid heart won again, when will this ever end? I have mentioned in my previous blog reasons why I shouldn't make a move but then there's another side of it. I know my ex, and he isn't one of those guys who would be courageous enough to try and try, if he thinks he won't succeed then he would rather not do it. IF he thinks there's no more chance, then he would not pursuit it; that's what I know about him but there are many things I didn't know also, so ergo I don't really know. 

Despite the pain that is again starting to overwhelm me, I had to do something. I'm not sure actually why I did it but I just had to. I texted him, I told him that I wasn't mad and that I have already accepted his apology. He replied telling me he was sick and we couldn't meet coz I might get it also. Concerned or just chickened out? I'm not really sure, again I'm starting to get confused and the pain Oh the pain that I don't want to feel anymore. I really don't want to expect him to come back to me, I just want us to talk about it and to go on separately with no hard feelings. It's all coming back, even the tears are coming back. I hate him for this ang myself for letting me feel this way. 

Is he really torturing me because after a week I had no sign of him AGAIN. I imagined our confrontation both the good and the bad, why can't we just go on with it, right now! I had to convince myself to stop thinking about him, to expect nothing from him. I know I'm taking risks here, I didn't told anyone that I made contact with him, I know they will judge me accordingly. I even regret it now, but there's no turning back. All I have to do is wait and control myself not to make the moves again.

I really do hope I can get over this more easily than before, I ask God for strength and courage. I don't want to ever be in that kind of situation as much as possible because I don't want to bear it again. Damn, why did I texted him on my new number, so now I have to glance at it once in awhile. Where's my prince charming? I want something or someone to occupy my head every single second, minute, hour, etc. My defense shield is starting to thin now, please no. I have to keep my focus - think positive in the future without him. Think. Think. Think.

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