Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Moving backwards again

This really isn't working out at all, I don't know if I made a mistake and took a wrong direction. Okay so I tried to apply those 5 things on how to get back at your ex/get your ex back - 

1. Be Strong - I was trying to be strong and was getting used to it until the exchange of messages. Now, I'm moving backwards again, I really hate this feeling. Can I please move forward now? He really isn't helping me, he is just torturing me AGAIN without even knowing it. I want this to end whatever has to end, either our relationship be in a full-stop or end this misery. He can't face me because he realized he wasn't strong enough yet, he's afraid or I don't know exactly what his point is. For now I want to be alone AGAIN, actually shutting my world has done good for me, if it is the only way for me to feel better again then I might do it again.

2. No communication - I had done this and it did resulted to what I wanted at first - for him to be the one to communicate with me. But it wasn't the way I expected it to be. Just two tries and he gives up? What a loser! And me? You can call me one also since I wasn't able to stop myself from communicating with him because as mentioned he isn't that type of guy who has a whole lot of guts especially that he is so guilty, he is ashamed and all. I don't know if this is the right path, but since I chose did there's no way back. I'll just have to stop myself AGAIN, especially now that he has my number. Really you can call me crazy now, there's really no use of changing my number again.

3. Be flexible. I did and it's making me crazy now. Now I know how difficult it is to try to understand and just go with the flow. Since he is not ready AGAIN, I told him that I'm not in a hurry either and I'll not force him if he doesn't want to which is really a big fat lie after he didn't reply to my message! He's crazy and he's making me crazy also but I need to control myself. My friends are going to kill me if they found out about this.

4. Go out. I went out almost every weekend after my short vacation/soul searching. I can't even seem to fix and follow my schedule anymore since I plan to go to the gym every Saturday afternoon but now my friends are asking me to go out. My grandma is already lecturing me about going home at almost or even way passed midnight which is really not me. Maybe she understands that I need to go out, she knows but the details I kept it from them even until now. Going out is one way to seek possible prospect but until now there's nobody. If I were a boy, I could have asked a girl right now but since I'm a girl I have to wait to be asked, arghhhh. 

5. Be Yourself. I let him see that I am still me. I had forgiven him, though actually that isn't me. He knows that my pride is way beyond and that I'm not a goody-goody, if he wants a fight then a fight he will get. We'll that was before, and change can be if it is for the better. I was my usual self when we exchanged messages, he on the other hand was not. I even asked him if it really bothered him that we are texting or that SOMEONE will get mad if he text me? He said that he's still ashamed and just couldn't face me; that's his problem and my problem too. I want him to open up but if he doesn't what could I possibly do? Forcing him is totally out, so I'll just be patient.

I want to build a new world, a world without him. I want a world with no connections whatsoever with him, though we have many mutual friends but I know which side they are on. Most are my friends which became his friends because they're my friends. As for his friends, who became my friends because they're his friends we'll I can only name some and just deleted most of them in my Facebook account. Facebook really is something, I created a new account because my username is a combination of our names, I have to let go of that and also there are still many people there that has connections with him. So I deactivated my first account to avoid confusion, I really don't get it, his mother added me up in my new account and the only way I can think of is that somebody was searching for me - his mother? I don't think so. I'm certain by 99% that it was him, I mean why would his mother be looking for me? We hadn't have any conversation and all before I deactivated my 1st account and does she really wants to be updated with my life after just having a grandchild? I really want to tell him to leave me alone already or face me now so we can get through with this once and for all.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY, PLEASE LET ME BE.

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