The Five Stages of Grief - "DABDA"

The five stages of grief abbreviated as "DABDA" was made by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross which was first thought of as stages to cope up with death. But now these stages are best-known description of the emotional and psychological responses that many people experience when faced with a life-changing situation (e.i Death of a loved one, Illness, Divorce, Break-ups,etc.)

All the five stages may not be experienced by everyone, nor patterned in any order. It depends on how emotionally and psychologically strong or weak a person is when trying to cope the challenges of life.  

I experienced these Five Stages during our break-up.

Denial -The first step in the DABDA theory of coping with a loss. It is in this stage that you think that you're just having a nightmare, both of you will be awake any moment and be back into each other's arms again. 

In my situation, the day after our break-up I told myself to cry and cry for one week until the pain will subside but I was really surprised that after 3 days I was already forcing myself to cry because my tears just won't fall out of my eyes. They said that I was just STRONG, how I really wished to be strong but I knew I wasn't. Until, one of my friend told me about this theory and that I was still in the DENIAL Stage, and subconsciously I was thinking like "I know he loves me, he cannot live without me, he'll come back to me soon, maybe tomorrow".

Anger - One often enters this stage of coping after moving through the denial stage. Most likely you may start thinking if it is really over and ask questions like "How dare he do this to me?", "Why did I fall in love with a stupid guy like him?", "Is he really worth it?", etc. It is in this stage that you realize that all your expectations that you were hoping are about to reach a dead end.

So I said to myself before, "I know he'll come back to me - tomorrow". A day after tomorrow had passed then another then another until one week had passed but still no sign of him. Fear crept inside me, I was frustrated because I had expected him to come knocking at my door begging for forgiveness but no, not even a single call or text. Why? Who does he think he is? Now this was the stage when I was really tempted to know who the "girl" is, as mentioned I didn't want to because I don't want any feud to happen. And I was already blabbering to myself and my friends all the negative stuffs about him. "He really isn't romantic, He gets jealous on every guy I met, He is just over-protective. I deserve someone better!" 

Bargaining - One synonym for bargain is to make a deal. As anger subsides or even in the midst of it, bargaining comes in. In this stage even though your expectations are close to an end, you're trying to think on making a deal with your Ex and hoping there's still a chance, a hope.

I have bargained my PRIDE. In our relationship, my pride was always blocking the way especially if we have an argument, I would never make the first move for us to reconcile. Maybe, once or twice if it is really my fault but that happens once in a blue moon. I was thinking that he was the one who fought and held on in our relationship from the start since I easily give up, so now maybe just maybe it was my time to FIGHT. Yes, I was hurt and wounded but that didn't mean that I don't love him anymore or this relationship has to end because of the pain - I just thought of it as a challenge - a very difficult challenge. Though I wasn't the one who destroyed our relationship, I made the first move because I just can't stand why there was no sign of him. 

First Move -  Actually this happened the day after the confession when I went to his place, hoping and trying to see if we can work something out. I don't know why I did it, anyone can tell that I just swallowed a big chunk of my pride that day. I'm not so sure if that was really the official date of our break-up, who gives a damn, there's nothing to celebrate anyway.

Second Move - Wrote a letter on our supposed to be 5th Anniversary quoting a song "I'll let you go, I'll set you free. And when you see what you need to see, when you find you come back to me..." but then restating it "...I won't EXPECT you to come back to me..." because honestly I was expecting almost everyday but nothing, I'm just being unfair to myself. You know I was hoping he'll get the meaning behind the 'won't expect' phrase.   

Third Move - Invited him to join our summer escapade, though really that wasn't planned; it was only when we weren't able to ride the boat as scheduled. My friends were the one who tried to pursue him to come, he said he is still ashamed, so I talked to him that it's okay; he wanted to come but he just couldn't or wouldn't. 

Fourth Move - Since I blocked his facebook account after our break-up, I added him as a friend. I even posted in my wall "Hello, old friend!" I don't want him to feel uneasy, I know his guilty so I made friends with him, hoping he'll open up.

Fifth Move - Lastly, since I just cannot stand it anymore, I called and texted him - Big Mistake.

Depression - When it is becoming clear that bargaining stage didn't work, you're now experience the very highlight of all break-ups, the stage of depression. Bad news, you're entering a stage that is likely to tear your world apart; but Good News is you're one step closer to fully accepting it.

Honestly, I don't know were to start, talking about this stage is quite depressing indeed. My heart just keeps on breaking apart after every bargaining moves I made, which was all a big F - for Failure; maybe the fourth move was close but I didn't have the patience to wait so I went back to stage two after that. We'll I could only blame myself for this, since everybody told me to STOP, but my heart just won't listen. Before I have to force myself to cry, now it's the opposite I have to force myself to stop crying which is really hard to control. 

As of now, I'm still at this stage, still trying to cope up with it. I decided to shut my world for awhile, I know from reading articles about healing a broken heart, you need to go out; I just want to find myself first before facing a new/old world - a world without him. 

Acceptance - This is the stage where most people would like to be after any break-up. Though there really isn't any time frame for this, some may reach this stage in a short span of time but I guess for most of us who had a serious relationship it would really take some time, maybe months or even years depending on how attached you were in your relationship and on how you were able to deal with it. But one thing for sure, it will come. 

COMING SOON!!!