Almost two and a half months have already passed since our break-up, if you ask me if I'm okay now, honestly I don't know. I want to be okay, I'm trying to be okay, I'm doing my best to be okay. I have isolated myself from the society for almost a month now, some of my friends are already wondering what happened to me or where I am, it's obvious that this is because of our break-up and I know they are thinking that I'm so down and depressed which is true but I'm caving in because I want to find myself.
Searching for articles about dealing with heartaches seemed to help, but really not much because sometimes, okay maybe almost all the time, I still cannot control my feelings, my emotions and most especially my mind. Still everyday, I think about him, it doesn't hurt that much anymore, depending on what I'm thinking also but still there are times that I do cry. I have tried my best not to mention his name in any conversation but I don't know why it always pops out in my mouth, not to mention in my mind. But writing in this blog does help, though I do think about him because this is because of him why I started blogging, I don't know if it is healthy but this is keeping me busy so instead of my usual routine every night which is Facebook-ing, I do blogging now.
I'm also reading books and trying to search about articles on happiness, positive thinking and psychology. And yes indeed, I learned from them, but the problem is how to apply it in my life, I guess it really takes time to heal this pain. No matter what I do, the pain is there, I don't know if it will ever go away, but one thing I'm certain of is that I want to be happy. I think about my future sometimes, being with someone new, imagining how he looks like, his characteristics and all but then there are certain points I dwell back in the past or bring my past into my future, like thinking if will he return as he said? Will we be friends? Etc.
I'm about to return to my world again, I'm getting out of my cave but honestly I'm scared and I think I'm not ready yet. I don't know but I have to face this the sooner the better. I really have to prepare my armor, but I don't think I have enough armor for this battle. I'm sure they are all going to ask how am I doing, and of course I will say that I'm better than okay, who am I trying to convince here them or myself? I'm totally confused, I'm okay if I don't have any news about him - which recently I had since my friend saw him with a girl but we are not sure if that was really the girl. I'm telling myself that's okay, but I know deep within me I just said "Ouch!". So this is one example that I should really be prepared, if possible I will tell all of them not to mention to me any topics about him. Am I really that weak? Oh Lord, help me.
Time is ticking and I need to be ready. I have only 2 days to go before my come back, would that be enough? I just hope and pray. I really want to show to all of them that "Hey! I'm back. I'm me again!" or "I may have stumbled before, but now no more" I'm still thinking what I should post during my come back and how to deal with my friends and even his friends. I can do this. Think positive. In God , I trust!
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