Lesson 1 - Identify Triggers

Break-ups are nightmares that are for real, sometimes you wish that you are just dreaming and find yourself awake to find him still there smiling and comforting you just the way it was before. But no matter what you do  you come to realize that this is real, his out of your life now and only God knows if he'll be back or not. 

The Emptiness Within Me

So based from the survey, my feeling was more than just loneliness,  it was emptiness. Loneliness can be manageable with few friends here and there but emptiness is different. At first I was in doubt, is this feeling of 'emptiness' true? Yes, I was full of life before when I'm with my friends, even though sometimes I have problems with my family, you cannot see any sign of that in my face. My friends won't even believe at first, it just didn't show. And now the break-up, I never pretended to be okay because I never was. And of course my friends knew, but I never told my family I didn't open up about this topic until now. So every time I'm at home after work and on weekends, I hid myself to the world and stay at my comfort zone - my room. Am I feeling empty? Yes, indeed. A part of me just went down the drain and that part meant almost the whole world to me and now it's gone. 

Fortunately, as advised by Amelie, I can fill that empty hole again by following some tips. The first tip she gave me was to identify the triggers that cause the pain. Triggers can either be the things you see in your room that reminds you of him, a song or even the things you usually do with him. 

I could say that this was the most difficult part I ever encountered especially the day after we broke up. The no.1 that triggered the pain was my cellphone, we started as being text mates, got close because of our constant texts, though we were friends and met once in awhile, we never talked to each other personally. When we started our relationship, we don't see each other much also but that wasn't a hinder in our relationship because every minute every hour of the day, we text each other from the moment we wake up greeting each other "Good Morning" until the day ends with a "Good night" for almost 5 years it has always been like that. When I wake up, I usually look at my cellphone to see if his awake already greeting me a 'Good Morning', but now it is very very painful to see my cellphone, no one will be greeting me anymore  though some of my friends will text me, it's just not the same. Every time there's a message I looked at it, hoping he'll text but I just end up disappointing myself why I keep on hoping. 

No.2 The internet. Aside from texting, we usually chat all night after I came home form work. Even before when we were still studying, we would always have time to chat for awhile even if we have constantly exchange text during the day, it was our routine. Even though I have assignments to finish, he'll wait for me so we can chat a little while before saying good night. One of my friend asked me what do I usually do after work when I get home, and I answered "I turn on my laptop and chat with him" a routine that you just can't forget in one day. So he advised me to change it, asking me what I'm fond of doing or I should exercise, jog and whatever just to change that routine that is already in my system for almost 5 years. 

These were the two challenges that I had to face each painful night, hoping he'll text or chat but just end up being hurt. Why do I love to feel the pain so much? I threw my sim card and bought a new one so that I won't have to look at my cellphone every minute to see if he text me because he doesn't have my new number, fortunately it did help me. As for the internet, I still go online but I deleted him in all my contacts, and chatted with some friends to keep me from thinking about him that much. Ironically, the topic that we chat about is about him, but at least I have someone to talk to rather than me talking to myself about him, it would just be too agonizing.

I really had to change my routine, I actually didn't now how I managed it but now these two trigger doesn't hurt that much anymore, though there are still times I'm hoping but the pain subsides now. I mean just because we've broken up I cannot go online anymore or text to my friends, right?