So easy to say, so hard to do...

After my last conversation with my ex, I had shutdown my world to try to find myself. I have deactivated my Facebook account, I didn't reply to the calls and messages of my friends, I didn't go online in my yahoo account and just stayed home for 2 weekends now which is really not me at all. I just wanted time for myself, though from reading articles on how to mend a broken heart, I should go out and try to have fun but I told myself give me one month and I'll be back to being me again. 

Easy to say, but I know it's really hard to do. So these past days, I busied myself writing this blog and searching for the right healing process though they mostly said the same thing, those that caught my attention I write about it on this blog. I'm trying to apply all of it, I really want to be okay and stop this hurting already. I'm not mad at my ex, I made a promise to myself and even to him that I won't have a grudge on him, I want us to be friends someday, somewhere, I just don't know when and where.

The hardest part of this is not because he lied and cheated on me, that's just about 20% of the pain, the majority of it is because I lost my him, I lost bestfriend. He was the only person who I can share my problems, who I can tell about anything that is going around me whether it's a big issue or no issue at all, I just want to share and talk about it. Though I have my friends, but I cannot just tell them everything at anytime because I know they are doing something, or busy with something or with someone, I don't want to disturb them and besides I cannot force them to reply to me every single time, unlike him.  

And another thing, I really don't understand him. He told me before that he'll be back, but he just needs time. If I'm really a gaga which I am now, I know he still loves me or that's what I think but I can still feel it, Love just can't disappear overnight. Anyway, when I called him up before he was even crying, telling me not to cry anymore and that I should stop hurting, easy for him to say. My theory is that he loves me but doesn't want to see me in pain, that's why he is hiding from me. Hahaha! I really don't know actually but that's my theory. I wanted a closure but how can that be a closure when I asked him if I can date another guy now, and he responded "It depends on you, but "I'll get you back" I was like whaaaaaaaat? And this is the closure I get? How can I move on if he's not helping me out, I can even still see my photos in his Facebook account, really I cannot understand he wants me to forget him and leave him alone, who wouldn't? His making this situation more complicated, why can't he just tell me that it's over, so that I won't have to expect any longer.

Damn, why is this so hard. I have already removed every thing that could remind me of him. I have constantly told my brain to STOP every time I think about him which is about thrice every hour, so you just can imagine me, almost yelling at myself to stop. No matter how hard I try, following their advises, my heart won't cooperate with my brain. Actually I was almost there, I was telling my self I'm almost ready since I have been concentrating on how to do about it for a week already but just one day and it was shattered, I wept for the whole night again just because I went to a mall that was our constant meeting place. Every corner of that mall reminds me of him, I was even thinking what if we'll meet here, what would be my reaction or his reaction? Or what if I found him here with the girl, should I slap them both? 

Then that night, my father and uncle had a fight, I have no one to turn to and I just realized that before people told me I was strong and was able to handle or hide my true feelings about my family problems and it was because he was there. He made me strong, he was the wall I lean on everytime I feel down or about to give up, he was there holding me and encouraging me to stand up again. He was my strength and now my weakness.