Haunted by the Past

Was it merely a coincidence that October 31 is Halloween where ghost from the past would likely to haunt you  or was it intentionally done to make the hairs stand. Whatever the reason is I really felt the goosebumps when my ex had subscribed my Facebook account, I mean common - what for? what now? 

I really don't know if it was really him or his curly-haired elderly-faced girlfriend checking into my account. When that notification popped up in my account, I thought I was just hallucinating then I looked at it again and then I saw their faces so I was not hallucinating his name appearing in my profile but the question is WHY? WHY? WHY? 

If it really was him why would he subscribe? I know for a fact when you subscribe to a person you can get updates from him/her without adding him/her as a friend. Does he want to be updated with my life? And then I go back to the question WHY? He wants to know how am I doing, my status, my life or whatsoever then WHY? So I know now that he still views my profile maybe once in awhile, is he stalking me? I want to laugh thinking about this, now who has not gotten over between the two of us? I stopped stalking them months ago even before our final talk, I never bothered them from the start just a little poke here and there, I never said a word directly against them even if it was so tempting at that time. Why can't he leave me alone once and for all, he had made his decision, and though it had hurt me so much, I accepted it.

Well, if that was the elderly-faced woman it's another story if I'll know that it was really her. A fight she wants then a fight she'll get, I won't really back-off if she'll start the spark I'll blow it up for her, lol. But honestly, I don't think she deserves my time and attention. What's her intention? So that I can be able to get a glimpse of them together? Is that how low she is? I really don't mind and besides I already saw that though it hurt at first but then I thought okay so? If she's insecure about me, then that's good to know. She should be because from the start I never showed any sign of insecurities towards her, when I knew it was her I can't help but laugh and wonder - HER? Oh Please. 

Whether it was him or her, it was unsubscribed immediately like a ghost it appeared then disappeared. I don't want anything to do with him anymore, I blocked him from my Facebook as suggested by a friend. We don't need any updates, whatever connections we had before, everything should be cut off. I just don't want anything to do with him, I don't want to see him anymore, I don't think I'm angry like I said I don't want to hold any grudge so to avoid building up that grudge, I just want to move on and leave the past behind. I asked my some of my friends and most of my family member to delete him in their accounts. I think he would notice by now, and I should not care anymore if he's hurt, I was hurt too - sooo much. 

All I ask is TIME and DISTANCE from each other and that is all. I never closed my window for our friendship but I already locked the door shut for what we had before. Nothing we'll ever be the same, everything had changed.

6 months and counting...

Can you believe that 6 months had already passed since we broke up? And can you even believe that 6 months had already passed and I'm still going ga-ga on what to do about this heart-wrenching pain that keeps on coming back again and again. Oh God, I really don't know what to do anymore. I tried everything and I mean everything that I can do just to get over him and this stupid past relationship but I still end up crying. I did what wasn't really the common things a girl should do when faced with this kind of heartbreak which are the following:

1. No Grudge - From the start, I made a promise to him and myself that I would not and will not hold any grudge on him. Though there are times that I feel like I want to hit him and shout at his face which fortunately I cannot and hopefully will  not do . Good luck to him and to me if I explode - boom. But God said, harden not your hard and that is all I want to do.

2. Ignored the OTHER woman - I could say that I have second thoughts on why I did this but then I know I did what was right, maybe not in the eyes of the many but in the eyes of God. There are lot of times that I despised the OTHER woman than my ex-boyfriend, and I guess that's just the normal reaction of anyone who lost something precious that supposedly belonged to her. This was really very hard to control, even until now, I still don't like to see that elderly-faced curly-haired woman. She's lucky I didn't confront her, I really cannot imagine myself if that would happen. I didn't make a fool out of myself and thank God; but if I hear a word about her talking about me, then a fight she wants, a fight she gets.

3. Mouth-zipped. Even if my world was in topsy-turvy and I wanted to let it out, I kept everything in silent thinking that this is the way I can get over him. But NO, they said you have to let it out, but then if I let it out my friends would say I still haven't got over him yet. So I decided to be stay mummed about any subjects about him and it did worked for my friends side since they thought I'm okay now, but deep inside everything is just ready to burst but I don't know to whom I should let it out. I know my friends are tired of listening to me, I'm even tired of myself. So I have no choice, I'm trying to be strong because that is what they expect me to be. I'm afraid this I might have a breakdown or something.

4. Trust in God. I put everything in God's hands now, I truly believe that this is what He has planned for me; though I might not understand it but I put all my trust in Him. I know one thing for certain is that He has greater plans for me and He doesn't want me to make a mistake I might really regret, and that is why this has happened. Everything has a reason, I know it's for the best, I just have to learn how to accept it fully with arms wide open. 

I survived September 29

I thought this day would be a headache but I was wrong. Everything went well more than I expected it to be. Thank you Lord. Actually I was afraid and confused, I hate it when something reminds me of him; I know it would really take a long time for this to heal, I tried everything that I can do but still there are times (so many too mention) that memories keep on flashing back and tears just fall out of my eyes uncontrollably. Actually I made a poem before his birthday came to an end, I was going to post or send it to some friends but then it wouldn't do any good. So I just saved it in my mobile but it got deleted so I made another one, similar to the original.

Happy Birthday bB
The revised version (Lost the original)

This day holds so many memories,
A lot of sleepless nights of making scrapbooks, songs and poetries;
I can't help but smile remembering those days,
But here we are now going separate ways.

I guess those memories are just hard to forget
It keeps on replaying like an old cassette
And sometimes I just can't help but cry
Knowing that we already said our goodbyes

Who would have thought this would happen?
I know I didn't, it was really so sudden.
You said you didn't want to see me in pain
But it's too much, I just can't explain.

God has a reason, I may not fully understand
But I know everything is going accordingly as planned
I put all my trust in God the Almighty
I know someday I'll smile again wholeheartedly.

For now, it will just be this way,
Happy Birthday is all I wanted to say.
And indeed I hope you are happy,
I wish you all the best bB.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I prayed that this month would be a better one for me but it was the complete opposite. I thought everything would be okay, I mean it's been 5 months already and I'm so tired, I really don't know what to do anymore. I did everything that I can do but the pain is just too much, I guess I was suppressing the pain that I feel inside and I don't know how to let it out, should I cry? Again? When will my tears run dry? 

People think that I'm okay now, that's good, since I really don't want them to see that I'm so weak inside. They can see the smile on my face, but they don't know I'm hurting deep inside. So I decided to tell them not to update me anymore about my EX's life, I don't care if they had communicated, I don't care if they see him especially with that elderly faced curly-haired woman. I just don't care anymore, I don't want to hear anything about him, I want him out of my life BECAUSE it's just too painful. 

Updates that I received from my friends/family are the following:

1. A friend of mine had exchanged comments in FB with my Ex. She told him that we'll be going out to Rainforest Park and my ex said he'd like to come but I know he's still ashamed. I didn't read their comments, I just don't want to. He said that maybe soon, he'll be joining us again. At first, I was like it's okay but then I changed my mind; NO! He can no longer be part of the group, he can only join us once I have a new boyfriend already and I'm dead serious.

2. Another friend of mine saw him and the elderly faced curly-haired OTHER woman in the mall where I last saw them. I really have a phobia now when entering that mall, I just don't like to see them together, especially that b*tch because I might do something that I'll surely regret. It was a good thing that I was able to handle myself well during the first time I saw them but I just don't know anymore why my hatred towards that b*tch grew deeper now.

3. My younger sister either through chat or comment had communicated with him, I guess he greeted her on her birthday. I didn't like to hear the details but she only said that he asked how am I doing? How am I doing? Does he really want to know? B*llshit! He told my sister to take care of my younger brothers and take care of me? Huh? What do you care? Can he just STOOOOOOOOP communicating with my friends and family? I hate hearing news about him asking about me, it's just b*llshit!

I apologize for some words in this post, I just cannot control my feelings anymore. I tried very hard not to get this pain and most especially the grudge I feel to overwhelm me but I can't help it. I forgave him but I just cannot forget. Oh Lord, please help me. There's also this movie NO OTHER WOMAN, that's driving me nuts and some of friends are tagging me on this topic. Well, I guess I'm stupid coz I kept on posting about it also, lol. Why is it everything today there's always anOTHER woman, they should be ashamed of themselves. And just yesterday, I just don't know why her elderly faced popped in my wall, does she really want me to post her face and tagged her THE OTHER WOMAN? If her face was Christine Reyes as his father had said then it wouldn't be hard for me to accept and move on. But oh common, you replaced me with her? Not to brag or be rude but I can really question his taste, maybe that's why he hasn't posted a photo of them together, I want to know the reaction of everybody. Hahaha!

And then, the worst part of September is his birthday which is really getting nearer and nearer and I'm getting crazier and crazier each day. When we broke of peacefully, I already decided right there and then that I wouldn't greet him on his birthday nor congratulate him when he graduates (I really thought before that I would take a rest day for this event but now I'm no longer part of it :( It hurts to know that I have been there for him, I even made some of his assignments and projects when it comes to writing and reflection,  and I wanted to witness that day when he finally graduates from college).

I deactivated my Facebook just now and will reactivate it on October, it's not that I cannot control myself from greeting him but I'm just anxious about who will be greeting him on that day. I hope he didn't post his birthday because we have lots of common friends, I hope they're smart enough not to bring topics about us. I really hope, but then sometimes I imagine I like it to happen and I know some of their supportive friends would react or something, maybe my friends would react too which would be quite a scene I love to imagine but only imagine. This is also the no.1 reason why I didn't want them to update me anymore, I just told them earlier so that it will stick in their heads and mine too. So it would really be better to wake me up when September ends... 

Who am I Kidding?

I tried my best to be strong,

Even though I know everything is wrong.

No matter how much I try to hide the pain,

It keeps coming back and it's driving me insane.

I really don't know what to do anymore,

Lord, PLEASE, help me find a cure.

Though I know I'll get over this somehow

But I want to end this hurting now.

I pretended to be okay,

Coz that is what I want people to say.

But really who am I kidding?
This pain is just too overwhelming.

No More One More Chance

I honestly believed at first about one more chance, well maybe partly because I loved that movie but also because I think there's always room for another chance. Then as days passed by and things are getting much clearer now, I realized that not everything deserves another chance and one of that is - US. I honestly don't know why he keeps on mentioning about the future, maybe I'm just hallucinating and all - he said maybe one day he'll be back not mentioning anything though. I know he will I mean we have lots of common friends but I don't think if ever that will come, we could be good as new. As friends there's a possibility but that's that and nothing more and I would like to stick to that decision because of the following:

1. A DEEP SCAR. I was hurt and deeply wounded, though I had already forgiven him and the pain might be gone already soon but the scar or mark that he had caused will never be erased. It will be forever there until the day I die, like the quote "Love is like a broken glass; sometimes it's easier to leave it alone than to hurt yourself trying to fix it"

2. FEAR. The fear of what our future will look like after all this, if there is a future that is. I thought before that the song "Somewhere Down the Road" would might be applicable to us but the future seems too blurry now unlike before and I'm afraid to take that risk anymore. I just saw the film "Letters to Juliet" since there were two love stories involved there I don't know which one I would like be in. First, those old couple who met 50 years after believing that TRUE LOVE waits;or Second, the young couple which just took less than a week to have found that love? For now, I would dismiss that 50 years - True Love waits and would just concentrate what I have now.

3. NO MORE TRUST. One of the very important thing in a relationship aside from LOVE is TRUST, and it was completely shattered and broken into pieces. And it would really take I guess a lifetime to have it completely whole again or it might be whole but the cracks are still there. It will never be the same. He changed and I changed, everything about us changed.

4. GOD'S PLAN. I believe we're not just meant for each other and God had planned this for me so I'll be able to see the real HIM, he's no longer the boy I used to know. And there's someone out there for me, just waiting and it will come at the right time. 

The Two of Them Together

I never really anticipated it to happen, maybe before but now I thought that it would be best not to. It really makes me wonder how and why things happen when you least expect them or when you're not expecting it at all. I guess life is really a mystery, you can really never tell and predict what will happen.

August 25, 2011 at Ayala Mall. I had a dinner date with my college friends at the mall, so we met up at Ayala particularly near Blue Magic. At first one of my friend teased me that someone looked like my EX, I told her not to joke around because I would really go gaga if that will happen. While waiting for the others, we just stood beside the elevator, we even met and talked with one of our highschool classmate but then something caught my attention, I don't know if it was the t-shirt or the way he moves and all but I knew it was HIM then I saw the girl with a bouquet of flowers. I abruptly turned away, my friends told me I turned white and my hands were so cold, I really didn't know what to do at first. My friend told me to hide, but then I realized, why should I hide? I turned and looked at their direction, I just stood there looking at the girl from head to foot. Though I really didn't get a good glimpse of her since I was facing her back most of the time but not to be mean and bias at all, but I can't help but think "Really? You replaced me with her?" I don't feel insecure, I mean Oh common the girl is just simple and I know that his type but looked too mature. I guess the only advantage she has on me is her height (LOL) and that's about it.

I don't know when my EX noticed that we where there, my friend had a really loud voice greeting one of our friend that just arrived. I was concentrating more on the girl, I saw my EX hid beside the post and the girl approached him. I believe he didn't want to pass by our direction but the girl I guess insisted which in a way pissed me off. She didn't looked at me, but I know she knew I was there. I just followed her with my gaze, my EX trying to catch up. My friends were already getting paranoid and all, telling me we should follow them. He didn't even greeted my friends, I knew he was confused at that instance they had eye-to-eye contact with one of my friend, none of them also had guts to call him. My friend was afraid that I would make a scandal right there, which I thought of before but what for? That would just make me desperate. I guess my EX had that thought, he's afraid of what I might do. He should be but  I wouldn't make a fool out of myself, not anymore.

As for the flowers, I don't know. Maybe it was there monthsary, I did't receive any bouquet from him from the start of our relationship, even though I have forced him already (LOL). Maybe he changed, well, I really don't care. It hurt a bit but not that much as I would've expected it to be, maybe if we haven't got a chance to talk weeks before, it would have hurt so bad. I have no grudges with my EX, we'll be okay SOON. But the girl is another story, I told myself to just ignore her but I don't know why those who broke up because of a third party holds grudges not to their EX but to the third party? I guess I'm just normal since I  feel that way when I saw here. She knew from the start that we haven't broken up yet, I know that it was more on my EX side since he didn't stop himself from falling, but if she's a girl worthy of respect, she should know where to place herself. She should be familiar with the phrase "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you.." or better yet "What goes around, comes around..." but I guess she just can't stop herself. She just showed to the whole world what kind of girl she is, and I just wish her luck. Just let her try to intimidate me and I swear no matter how tall she is I'll bring her down. 

I Miss My Old Friend

It's just not the same without you

I don't have anyone to talk to

I miss our casual talks

I miss our leisure walks

I have accepted the fact that it's over

I know we can no longer be lovers

But I miss my best friend so much

It's just so hard to start from a scratch

Honestly I don't know what to do

I've tried to be strong and it's true

But I just can't help but cry 

Why our friendship has to end with a sad goodbye

It's just not fair, I'm suffering alone

While you have someone to lean on

Though my friends are helping me somehow

I still feel quite empty until now.

I miss my old friend so badly

Especially at nights when I feel so lonely

He was someone I can talk to about anything

From morning until late in the evening

I guess I wasn't prepared for this to happen

Everything was just so sudden

I just want you to know 

That I miss you so :(

An End for a New Beginning

The day had finally come, August 13, 2011 'Ang Muling Paghaharap' as they say. I know I have tried so many times to end this; made decisions that I told myself were already fixed but then I just can't help it; I needed to clear things up, to know the truth straight from him so that I won't be left hanging. People told me to go on with my life with or without any proper closure, it's easy for them to say it; let them experience this and they'll now how hard it is to make a fix decision. 

I was determined to end it already after I said, "Leave me alone..." but surprisingly he chatted me in my Yahoo Messenger because of my status which was "PROMISES are worse than LIES because you don't only make them believe, you make them hope. Hope for something you're NOT sure you can give" He said that the message hit him and again he apologized and told me he's ready to face me again for nth time. I was really confused if I should reply but then I know what I wanted, I wanted this to end so I said okay. I was really scared and depressed because I know everything was about to end, our almost 5-year relationship and even our friendship was at stake. I cried so hard even at my workplace, I know I should hold myself together but it's just so painful to see our relationship go down the drain so quickly. I tried so hard to be strong, I thought I was strong enough but no, I wanted to hold on but I know there's really nothing I can do anymore but to let go. One last very agonizing cry that is what I told myself, so that I won't have to cry anymore during our confrontation.

I planned that before we can talk, we'll go to Church and lit some candles; we usually do this before every monthsary. I just wanted to ask God for strength and enlightenment that I can handle this in a peaceful way and just for old times sake, for the last time. I was also planning to see his mother and sister for the last time, just to bid farewell and extend my gratitude. But sadly it didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be again, maybe God did this for a purpose. Our plan was supposed to be on a Friday afternoon, but then because of some important matters on his part, we had to cancel it; I don't like our talk to be in a rush. I was so mad at him, to think I had cried a bucket of tears or even more on that day, my heart was pounding so fast I almost couldn't breathe. So after a series of arguments, we decided to talk the next day, Saturday morning at Sto. Rosario Church, the place where we usually lit candles.

I arrived ahead of him not that I was excited, actually he was the one who left his place early but had to go somewhere. So I just stood there and wait, he approached me and I said "Hi". He asked if I had already eaten my breakfast and I replied "Not yet!" so we were about to go to Jollibee to eat but I told him that we had to do something first - lit the candles. He backed away instantly, I tried to get him but he refused to and told me not to force him. As I was lightning the candles through my shaking hands, I looked over to him and saw him covering his face with his handkerchief like he was wiping away the tears - as to why I really don't know. 

So after I lit the candles alone, we went to Jollibee to eat, I just wanted a burger but he insisted to eat some rice which I didn't refused since he was the paying for it anyway. So we sat down and started to talk and argue at the same time - good old days (lol). He asked me why am I doing this, why am I hurting myself like this? I wanted him to talk but he said that I was the one who wanted this, he really doesn't understand why I want to know the truth - the truth that would only hurt me more. I tried to explain to him that I was already hurt and the pain is there, no matter how I tried to conceal it, it's there and will be there for a long time but I chose not to suffer. I promised not to cry, but my tears just won't stay intact. He got mad because I started to cry, and there were many people; as if I care and besides I wasn't crying hard my tears just fall so easily. I started to cry when I asked him if it was really easy for him to forget our almost 5-year relationship? That he made me believe and worst of all hope that he'll come back to me; and that why he didn't do anything to correct his wrong doing when in fact he knew I was trying to hold on and was willing to accept him. 

He asked me what do I really want? He told me that "We're through! He doesn't want it anymore" and I knew that. But that wasn't my question, he also admitted that they are already in a relationship which was not a shock to me. He told me that it started as a joke but then he had fun and didn't want to end it, and the girl knew we never broke up before they started the joke. But he definitely denied that he said we broke up already during their Christmas party where it all started. There were still lots of unanswered questions because he gets mad and we argue again and again, he keeps telling me why do we need to talk about it that it's already clear that it's over because he has someone new. Everything was his fault, and he knew he'll regret it someday. 

Every time I started to cry, he gets furious as if he wasn't crying. Both of us were fighting back the tears, mine just fall so easily while he can control it but his eyes get teary as much as mine. Honestly, I don't know if he's telling me the the truth, if those tears were true and if I should still believe him. He told me he doesn't want to change his relationship status because other girls might not chat him anymore; he has a chatmate in California; he entered in a frat group or I don't know so that he'll be STRONG so that he won't cry anymore for reason that we didn't bother to discuss; and that he still didn't delete his profile pics with my face on it - he just hid it because a friend of mine tagged me in one of the photos. I honestly don't know the truth but why does he keeps on doing this and telling me things that I know I shouldn't care anymore.

I know I'll sound stupid and still be in denial if I say that there were instances that I feel there is still something for us, absolutely not now but maybe in the future. I don't know if they are just hints or I'm just losing my mind and couldn't get over this; one thing for certain it's over NOW and that should be the one stuck in my head and not the ff:

1. Not in a serious relationship - He told me he isn't sure about this. I just believe that this is an alibi so that I won't get hurt anymore. But then again he had a conversation with one of our mutual friend, my friend asked him if their relationship was a serious one, he just plainly answered that this he thinks it won't last long. If he's telling the truth, I pity the girl but then why should I care, she deserves it! *Evil grin.

2. Profile Pictures with me hidden - Oh common what why can't he just delete them or told me that it's none of my business? And why did I bother to ask. Did he just told me again that it was there so I won't get hurt? What is he trying to point out? We're through but why keep holding on to those memories/pictures?

3. Mentioned that maybe he'll show up when he has a good job and when his a professional already - Why? So he can treat me, I mean so what he can treat me as a friend even in his first salary, does he really need to be a professional for that and prove something?

4. The teary eyes - Maybe because of guilt, I don't think there is another meaning to it. PERIOD.

5. Shows concern (Going home late, meeting strangers, drinking) - We're friends, but he really doesn't have to bother. He even disapprove that I'm wearing shorts (lol).

6.  Mentioned that maybe he might want to come along with my friends on vacations someday - I have asked a friend of mine to delete him in our group and he noticed it, he just told me maybe someday he can come & join again.

7. Accepting our ring and told me that he'll treasure it - Again what for? I thought he would say just throw it or do whatever you want. I know I'll get hurt but I want to see that he doesn't care anymore.

8. SEE YOU SOON - His farewell remarks to me which is Big QUESTION MARK that I know doesn't mean anything so I need to STOP hallucinating about that 'SOON'. Why does he keeps on talking about the future anyway? He could have just shut up.

9. Preggy Issue - My friend told him during their conversation that many couples (3-5 years in a relationship) had broken up or if they haven't broken up they got pregnant. I was so shocked that he wished that I was pregnant instead. WHAAAAT??? Glad that won't ever happen because I have so many plans for my future.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I know there's no point of holding on to these speculations. What for? So that I'll end up hurting myself again, why can't he just hurt me ONE TIME so that it will end here and why can't he stop talking about the future? Why can't I stop thinking about this? WHY? WHY? WHY? He was really curious where I got so many information about THEM, but I didn't reveal it. I even told him that someone from his family told me the first clue about the girl - he really was surprised. That's for me to know and for him to find out, I know he'll find out soon.

I got what I wanted already, a pleasant separation with him - no hard feelings and all. That was all I wanted, I know that there's no use of hoping, I must let go and move on as soon as possible. After a series of drama, we had a pleasant talk about my life, his life, about my friends and his friends. I really missed and will miss that kind of conversation, we can talk about almost anything that pops out of our head but alas the time had come for us to go our separate ways. We had agreed that we have to distance ourselves from each other though it really wasn't a verbal agreement, just a meeting of minds I guess. So we shook hands and he told me "SEE YOU SOON!"        

Let's Get This Over...

Now I could really say that LOVE indeed is a mystery, I mean I never thought I could feel so much pain, never ever in my entire life especially from the person who I really loved and who I thought would never do this to me. It hurts and until now the pain is still here, though I tried to ignore it but I guess it doesn't disappear in one zap. I tried everything to save our relationship, I swallowed my pride and I was almost on my knees already trying to get him back but it didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. So I gave up and hid myself for almost a month trying to find myself and learning to stand up and fight this life's battle. I promised myself that I won't let myself down, that I won't be a loser, I'll be a winner and I'll let him see that this break up is one of the best thing that ever happened in my life.

Little by little and ever so slowly, I tried to accept that this is the end of our relationship, but friendship is still open for negotiation. I was about to but then unexpectedly but I was hoping though that he would contact me and he did. I was confused with all the feelings of joy, anxiety, anger and pain mixed together. I was happy because hey he finally got guts to contact me; anxiety because I don't know what he is thinking and planning to do; anger because he's confusing me, I don't know what his point is; and pain because it never disappeared I was only trying to conceal it but it was there, ready to divulge me again.

At first I didn't know what to do, should I ignore him completely as revenge or should I confront him since he said that he was ready to speak out and maybe end whatever has to end between us. Again swallowing my pride for the nth time, I followed my heart wanting to end and clear everything so to have a proper closure and all but then it didn't go exactly as I thought it would be. He chickened out again for the nth time telling me he is afraid, ashamed and guilty that he might cry during our confrontation. So I tried to understand and didn't force him at all unlike before, so our conversation was on and off a bit awkward and all.

Once in awhile I'll text him or he'll chat me just another short and awkward conversation again, I think he was about to open up and all, I mean that is what I want him to do also. But then as days passed and our communication was about to get better, I learned so many negatives things about him as mentioned in previous blog. I was again confused, though I tried to be strong but my heart just opens up easily and I'm afraid that he would break it again. I really didn't know what to do, I was happy, sadly I admit I was hoping and I know I shouldn't but I cannot control my feelings anymore. I know this has to STOP right now I don't understand where this is going anymore, what other proof do I need to prove to myself and to others that I should still hold on to this? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

So I decided to end it, once and for all. I don't want to tell it to him directly because I was in a bad mood, I might say something that I would regret; so I just posted a status in my yahoo messenger "Please leave me alone, thanks in advance" and surprisingly he replied "Sorry, Okay, I will go away, sorry". Honestly I don't want him to go away, I want him back again but I know it wouldn't be easy anymore so I have to let go. So now, here I am, trying to be strong again and trying to stop myself from missing him so much; it's not easy but I have to be firm with my decision now. I know someday, we'll meet again and by that time I hope we're both ready to face each other as friends.

Here We Go Again

What am I doing? This really has to stop and has to end right now before it gets even worse. Okay so the latest news is I know who the girl is now; somebody had told me that he posted on the girl's wall and since I have accepted his invite we're friends again in Facebook and I could see his wall post - Tadaaaa! She wasn't the one I was expecting, I mean from the description of his father it was really way exaggerated and I was even a little bit nervous if the description of a sexy star was indeed correct. But alas it was not, I mean not that the girl wasn't pretty and all, she's okay but really she isn't a bitch I could really say. As far as I could remember, I think we were introduced years before, I really couldn't pinpoint when but the name is familiar, he had mentioned that name before. Okay, I know stalking is a BIG NO, but I couldn't help it. But honestly, I didn't feel something about the girl, no hard feelings and all, but I just couldn't help but tease her a bit so I added her up as a friend just to let her know that I know who she is. 

What bothered me the most was knowing that something fishy was happening to him and his close friend. My friend told me that somebody saw them kissing in a beer house, I was like what? And to think I confided that bitch I mean girl all this time about my feelings for his so called bro. I just can't believe it, I mean I can believe but WTF? I know the girl is in a relationship now but I know it really is possible, anything is possible with liquor. And it even gave me more reasons why I should hate him even if I tried to control it. I know I'm stupid because I communicated him, I made him feel that no harm was done and everything is okay which is not, I just want to clear things out once and for all but I know a part of me is still hoping which I should control but so hard to do. 

When will I ever stop this insanity? Really I thought I was okay but then here I am again, when will this agony end? Actually it just started, I told myself after those revelations that I will no longer be a fool, guess what I just fooled myself today. I don't understand myself anymore, I don't want him to feel I'm angry so what is really my intention? So he'll open up? I know something is up in my subconscious and I'm really really scared to admit that I want him back since a big part of me is saying NO because of so many things that I just discovered and I know there are more that would just hurt me again and again. Do I really love the pain? Haha!

We had a short chat today, he told me that he was scared of looking at my post and my friend's post, he assumed that we were talking about him. Honestly, I never had a post directly targeting him, only quotes and that was why I deactivated my account to avoid a not so good scene in Facebook. I just don't want to have any grudge on him, that is all that I'm trying to control though sometimes I mean all the time he is a pain in the butt. Again he doesn't seem to have the guts to confront me, maybe soon I don't know how soon is soon, he really does want me to suffer. I asked him why in the first place did he messaged me and surprisingly he said that he missed me, I don't know if I should be glad or be anxious of his answer. All I want now is for us to get things straight if he doesn't want it now, fine; I'll be waiting in vain hopefully for the last time. I have to get myself together again, please help me Lord.

Let Me Go

There are nights when I just can't help but cry
Honestly I really don't know why
I guess it's really hard to say good-bye
Coz the tears just keep on falling from my eyes

I tried everything that I can do
Just to forget all about you
Letting go wasn't easy at all
Every time I try to stand up, I fall.

I was about to move on completely
But then you show'd up surprisingly
I don't know what's your intention
But can you be clear with your action?

You're really making it hard for me
The pain is killing me, can't you see?
Why can't you just leave me alone
I'll be fine, I just want to move on

Please let me go, I'm begging you
You don't know what I've been through
Just do it now, do it quick.
Before my heart stops to tick.

Moving backwards again

This really isn't working out at all, I don't know if I made a mistake and took a wrong direction. Okay so I tried to apply those 5 things on how to get back at your ex/get your ex back - 

1. Be Strong - I was trying to be strong and was getting used to it until the exchange of messages. Now, I'm moving backwards again, I really hate this feeling. Can I please move forward now? He really isn't helping me, he is just torturing me AGAIN without even knowing it. I want this to end whatever has to end, either our relationship be in a full-stop or end this misery. He can't face me because he realized he wasn't strong enough yet, he's afraid or I don't know exactly what his point is. For now I want to be alone AGAIN, actually shutting my world has done good for me, if it is the only way for me to feel better again then I might do it again.

2. No communication - I had done this and it did resulted to what I wanted at first - for him to be the one to communicate with me. But it wasn't the way I expected it to be. Just two tries and he gives up? What a loser! And me? You can call me one also since I wasn't able to stop myself from communicating with him because as mentioned he isn't that type of guy who has a whole lot of guts especially that he is so guilty, he is ashamed and all. I don't know if this is the right path, but since I chose did there's no way back. I'll just have to stop myself AGAIN, especially now that he has my number. Really you can call me crazy now, there's really no use of changing my number again.

3. Be flexible. I did and it's making me crazy now. Now I know how difficult it is to try to understand and just go with the flow. Since he is not ready AGAIN, I told him that I'm not in a hurry either and I'll not force him if he doesn't want to which is really a big fat lie after he didn't reply to my message! He's crazy and he's making me crazy also but I need to control myself. My friends are going to kill me if they found out about this.

4. Go out. I went out almost every weekend after my short vacation/soul searching. I can't even seem to fix and follow my schedule anymore since I plan to go to the gym every Saturday afternoon but now my friends are asking me to go out. My grandma is already lecturing me about going home at almost or even way passed midnight which is really not me. Maybe she understands that I need to go out, she knows but the details I kept it from them even until now. Going out is one way to seek possible prospect but until now there's nobody. If I were a boy, I could have asked a girl right now but since I'm a girl I have to wait to be asked, arghhhh. 

5. Be Yourself. I let him see that I am still me. I had forgiven him, though actually that isn't me. He knows that my pride is way beyond and that I'm not a goody-goody, if he wants a fight then a fight he will get. We'll that was before, and change can be if it is for the better. I was my usual self when we exchanged messages, he on the other hand was not. I even asked him if it really bothered him that we are texting or that SOMEONE will get mad if he text me? He said that he's still ashamed and just couldn't face me; that's his problem and my problem too. I want him to open up but if he doesn't what could I possibly do? Forcing him is totally out, so I'll just be patient.

I want to build a new world, a world without him. I want a world with no connections whatsoever with him, though we have many mutual friends but I know which side they are on. Most are my friends which became his friends because they're my friends. As for his friends, who became my friends because they're his friends we'll I can only name some and just deleted most of them in my Facebook account. Facebook really is something, I created a new account because my username is a combination of our names, I have to let go of that and also there are still many people there that has connections with him. So I deactivated my first account to avoid confusion, I really don't get it, his mother added me up in my new account and the only way I can think of is that somebody was searching for me - his mother? I don't think so. I'm certain by 99% that it was him, I mean why would his mother be looking for me? We hadn't have any conversation and all before I deactivated my 1st account and does she really wants to be updated with my life after just having a grandchild? I really want to tell him to leave me alone already or face me now so we can get through with this once and for all.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY, PLEASE LET ME BE.

The 3-month Rule

Ever heard of the 3-month rule after a break-up? I only heard and I guess most of us had  an idea about this after viewing one of the most unforgettable and romantic film that in some way made an impact in our lives, ONE MORE CHANCE. Even my ex-boyfriend loved this movie, I think he had watched this movie for the nth time and to think this isn't any action movie guys are fond of watching; if my memory is correct he even cried - well not totally crying - boo hoo; but his eyes got misty and all from forcing his tears not to fall. 

It really was a great story, though it was just another ordinary love story I guess that is the reason why it touched so many hearts since many could relate to the story. Just a short description, this story is about a couple, Popoy and Basha, who broke up in their 5-year relationship (If I'm not mistaken) because of endless disagreements and Basha had enough and needed space. The 3-month rule came in when Popoy thought that Basha's co-worker was his new boyfriend, stating there was still one month before they can enter a new relationship. They went on there separate ways, Popoy had a new girlfriend while Basha was happy with her life or she thought she was but not. The famous tag line “She loved me at my worst. You had me at my best and you chose to break my heart…”  had been imprinted in the viewer's hearts.  Whether you call it fate or destiny, Love will always find a way. Love is letting go of someone you love for their happiness - Popoy's girlfriend had to let him go knowing his heart was somewhere else. And I guess true love does wait and it's about giving one more chance. 

The 3-month rule simply implies that you have to give each other three months before entering into a new relationship, not only as a sign of respect especially if the break-up was not a mutual one but also for both parties to heal and think it over. Three months might not be enough to heal the pain not to mention to fully move on, but it's part of the healing process.  

While I was watching the movie with my ex, I couldn't relate very well. We were even asking each other if that will happen to us in 5 years and sadly it did. I'm not sure if one more chance will happen to us, we are in a different situation, but I did follow the 3-month rule and it ended just 2 days ago. I'm not closing my doors to anyone, even to him, but I'm not in a hurry also. If someone would knock on it, then we'll see but not until I'm ready, I don't want to be unfair, I want this break-up to be a learning experience for the better not bitter.

Please Stop...

I cannot take this anymore, not again. Okay, so almost a week had past since he last emailed me saying that he's willing to have a confrontation with me now since before he doesn't want to confront me no matter what I do. I don't know what came into me, I told myself not to make any move or whatsoever; I had to control myself. But my stupid heart won again, when will this ever end? I have mentioned in my previous blog reasons why I shouldn't make a move but then there's another side of it. I know my ex, and he isn't one of those guys who would be courageous enough to try and try, if he thinks he won't succeed then he would rather not do it. IF he thinks there's no more chance, then he would not pursuit it; that's what I know about him but there are many things I didn't know also, so ergo I don't really know. 

Despite the pain that is again starting to overwhelm me, I had to do something. I'm not sure actually why I did it but I just had to. I texted him, I told him that I wasn't mad and that I have already accepted his apology. He replied telling me he was sick and we couldn't meet coz I might get it also. Concerned or just chickened out? I'm not really sure, again I'm starting to get confused and the pain Oh the pain that I don't want to feel anymore. I really don't want to expect him to come back to me, I just want us to talk about it and to go on separately with no hard feelings. It's all coming back, even the tears are coming back. I hate him for this ang myself for letting me feel this way. 

Is he really torturing me because after a week I had no sign of him AGAIN. I imagined our confrontation both the good and the bad, why can't we just go on with it, right now! I had to convince myself to stop thinking about him, to expect nothing from him. I know I'm taking risks here, I didn't told anyone that I made contact with him, I know they will judge me accordingly. I even regret it now, but there's no turning back. All I have to do is wait and control myself not to make the moves again.

I really do hope I can get over this more easily than before, I ask God for strength and courage. I don't want to ever be in that kind of situation as much as possible because I don't want to bear it again. Damn, why did I texted him on my new number, so now I have to glance at it once in awhile. Where's my prince charming? I want something or someone to occupy my head every single second, minute, hour, etc. My defense shield is starting to thin now, please no. I have to keep my focus - think positive in the future without him. Think. Think. Think.

It worked but wait...

OMG... It worked and I'm referring to my article about how to get back at your ex/get your ex back. When I started that article I wanted to get my ex back but then as days passed I was in doubt since maybe we were really not meant to be. Well, there's no harm in trying since in both ways it would lead me to somewhere that I hoped would make me happy. 

I re-activated my Facebook already, and guess what right immediately he added me as a friend which I completely ignored then "Poke" me there which I also ignored. I was surprised that he sent me a message in one of my gmail account, saying that he doesn't know what to say, he's ashamed of himself, and that I looked blooming in my Facebook picture (Yeaaah, indeed I am!) He also asked if he can be my friend. Again I ignored him. He messaged again, saying that he's sorry that our break-up was not a good one and said that he is ready to talk to me if it's alright with me now but if not then he totally understands because it was his fault and all. IGNORED.

Actually I was confused, since in the first place I was the one telling him that we can be friends and I'll wait when he's ready to face me again, since forcing him is really not a good idea at all but now here I am ignoring him because:

1. PROVE IT! 

Okay, I wanted to know if he really is sincere and true about making friends with me. I don't want to expect that he'll come back to me now because it will just hurt me again. I wanted to see him making more effort than just messages, he knows where I live and work, my number and etc. It's not like we live in different world, we have lots of common friends, and all. 

2. HELLO PRIDE!

God knows how much I tried before just to get him back, I did everything I can and swallowed all my pride but he just ignored me completely. Like hello? It hurts! So now I was thinking, it's my turn. I want him to feel the pain that he had inflicted on me before. 

3. FEAR 

I'm afraid to hear what he'll say. Okay, so I have accepted it but I'm not that strong yet, I'm still at the beginning of accepting it, and I don't want to feel the pain again. Please no more! Though I wanted a proper closure, but knowing that he chose the girl rather than me it is still a big slap on my face. I don't want to expect that he'll come back to me also because I'm not ready and what if he'll not say that. For now, maybe I want us to be friends but I know it's quite difficult also, I have to be strong and I know that but how?

My mind was already fixed that I should ignore him for the stated reasons above. But then, my cousin told me that I should face him now because I might regret it later. My mind just snapped at that instance, Oh no! I'm so confused, I mean why can't he just leave me alone, I was getting better already and starting to live my life without him. Why is he coming back now? What is he planning? Should I face him once and for all or should I ignore him and wait until I'm ready? I really don't want to be in a dilemma again, I had already conquered it before and I don't want to be in pain again.

I chatted some of my friends and his friends and it was more of a tie; some said ignore him that's what he deserves while others said face him now just don't expect anything but in the end it is still up to me. I was so hard, I'm confused and afraid but I had to be strong I know that. I asked God for guidance and it was in my heart. I had to face him now, if this is to put an end to our relationship then okay I accept since this is what I wanted before, it's now or never. I mean it's better now than feel the pain again in the future, I know it will hurt me but not that much I guess; I just need to be strong - I'll ask God for courage and strength. As they said there is only a beginning when there is an ending. To be able to start my new beginning I have to end this properly NOW. They asked me what if he wants me back. To be honest, I still loved him but as of now I don't think it's the right time yet. I have forgiven him, but forgetting about it is different. If he does then he has to prove it to me. 

A New Beginning

It's been quite awhile since I posted here in my blog, we'll I've been to somewhere - soul searching as I call it but more on vacation; and it did do me good. After almost a month of isolation, I decided as planned that I'd be coming back for good with a smile on my face, ready to face a new beginning though I was quite hesitant at first because fear was still there but I knew I had to face it and I did.

For those days that I've isolated myself, honestly there wasn't a single day that I didn't think about him. I was thinking if he was really the one for me or there was someone better out there for me. I knew I had to decide either to wait for him to come into his senses and face me or start a new life without the proper closure that I have wanted. So it's easy to pinpoint which is better right? But sometimes I guess I was still hoping but I have to keep on pushing myself to go on with my life and that is exactly what I did. 

I have to congratulate myself since now I can say that I learned to accept this situation. I have to admit it was like a roller coaster ride, I had to hold on tight to my seat while my world was in topsy-turvy with all the 360 degrees turn. Though I know I haven't moved on completely, but it's a start. I'm just focusing now on how to be happy and not to dwell much in the past. 

"I may have stumbled before, but now no more..." 

You Made Me Stronger - Regine Velasquez

Is it hard to believe I'm okay
After all, it's been a while since you walked away
I'm way past crying over your finding someone new
You turned my days into bright
But now I see the light
And this may be a big surprise to you

REFRAIN:

You've made me stronger by breaking my heart
You ended my life and made a better one start
You've taught me everything from fallin' in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, you've made me stronger, baby, by saying goodbye

If you'd rather believe I'm not over you
Go ahead-there's nothing wrong with making believe
I know 'cause I used to pretend you'd come back to me
But time has been such a friend
Brought me to my senses again
And I have you to thank for setting me free

(Repeat Refrain)
Think again
Don't feel so sorry for me, my friend
Oh, don't you know
I'm not the one at the losing end.

(Repeat Refrain)

You made stronger by saying
Goodbye...

Trying To Survive The Storm

Almost two and a half months have already passed since our break-up, if you ask me if I'm okay now, honestly I don't know. I want to be okay, I'm trying to be okay, I'm doing my best to be okay. I have isolated myself from the society for almost a month now, some of my friends are already wondering what happened to me or where I am, it's obvious that this is because of our break-up and I know they are thinking that I'm so down and depressed which is true but I'm caving in because I want to find myself. 

Searching for articles about dealing with heartaches seemed to help, but really not much because sometimes, okay maybe almost all the time, I still cannot control my feelings, my emotions and most especially my mind. Still everyday, I think about him, it doesn't hurt that much anymore, depending on what I'm thinking also but still there are times that I do cry. I have tried my best not to mention his name in any conversation but I don't know why it always pops out in my mouth, not to mention in my mind. But writing in this blog does help, though I do think about him because this is because of him why I started blogging, I don't know if it is healthy but this is keeping me busy so instead of my usual routine every night which is Facebook-ing, I do blogging now. 

I'm also reading books and trying to search about articles on happiness, positive thinking and psychology. And yes indeed, I learned from them, but the problem is how to apply it in my life, I guess it really takes time to heal this pain. No matter what I do, the pain is there, I don't know if it will ever go away, but one thing I'm certain of is that I want to be happy. I think about my future sometimes, being with someone new, imagining how he looks like, his characteristics and all but then there are certain points I dwell back in the past or bring my past into my future, like thinking if will he return as he said? Will we be friends? Etc. 

I'm about to return to my world again, I'm getting out of my cave but honestly I'm scared and I think I'm not ready yet. I don't know but I have to face this the sooner the better. I really have to prepare my armor, but I don't think I have enough armor for this battle. I'm sure they are all going to ask how am I doing, and of course I will say that I'm better than okay, who am I trying to convince here them or myself? I'm totally confused, I'm okay if I don't have any news about him - which recently I had since my friend saw him with a girl but we are not sure if that was really the girl. I'm telling myself that's okay, but I know deep within me I just said "Ouch!". So this is one example that I should really be prepared, if possible I will tell all of them not to mention to me any topics about him. Am I really that weak? Oh Lord, help me.

Time is ticking and I need to be ready. I have only 2 days to go before my come back, would that be enough? I just hope and pray. I really want to show to all of them that "Hey! I'm back. I'm me again!" or "I may have stumbled before, but now no more" I'm still thinking what I should post during my come back and how to deal with my friends and even his friends. I can do this. Think positive. In God , I trust!   

Someday - Nina

Someday you're gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
By then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on Earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus

Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

Right now
I know you can tell
I'm down, and I'm not doing well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday,
I know someone's gonne be there

Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

Till My Heartaches End - Carol Banawa

I recall when you said that you would never leave me
You told me more, so much more like when the time you whispered in my ear
There was heaven in my heart
I remember when you said that you'd be here forever

Then you left without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I pray that you would stay
But then you're gone and, oh, so far away

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurtin' from within
I have learned to live my life beside you

Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming till my heartaches end


And then you left without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I pray that you would stay
But then you're gone and, oh, so far away

[Repeat CHORUS]

Woh oh yeah

[Repeat CHORUS]


CODA
Keep on dreaming till my heartaches end...

Love Will Lead You Back - Kyla

Saying goodbye is never an easy thing
But you never said, that you'd stay forever
So if you must go
Well, darlin', I'll set you free
But I know in time
That we'll be together
Oh, I won't try
To stop you now from leaving
Cause in my heart I know

(chorus)
Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It won't be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back

One of these nights
Well I'll hear your voice again
You're gonna say, oh how much you missed me
You'll walk out this door
But someday you'll walk back in
darling I know, I know this will be
Sometimes it takes, sometime out on your own now
To find your way back home

(repeat chorus)

ohhhhhh

I won't try to stop you now from leaving
Cause in my heart I know...oh yeah

(repeat chorus)

Broken Hearted Me - Anne Murray

Every now and then I cry,
Every night,
You keep staying on my mind.
All my friends say I'll survive,
It just takes time.

Chorus

But I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart
No I don't see how it can if its broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again.
No I don't think time is going to heal this broken heart.
No I don't see how it can while we are still apart.
When you hear this song I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken hearted me

Every day is just the same,
Playing games,
Different lovers different names.
They keep saying I'll survive,
It just takes time,

Chorus

Old Friend - Kyla

A million times or more I thought about you
The years, the tears, the laughter, things we used to do
Are memories that warm me like a sunny day
You touched my life in such a special way

I miss the way you'd run your fingers through my hair
Those cozy nights we cuddled in your easy chair
Oh no, I won't let foolish pride turn you away
I'll take you back whatever price I pay

Old friend
It's so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back home again

Remember those romantic walks we used to take
You held my hand in such a way my knees would shake
You can't imagine just how much I've needed you
I've never loved someone as I love you

Old friend
It's so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back

Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, I'm sure this time that we're gonna win
Welcome back into my life again

Yes, I've tried to live my life without you
Knowing I had lost my closest friend
And though I'm feeling low from time to time
Knowing I will never find the kind of love I had when you were mine

Old friend
It's so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back

Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, I'm sure this time that we're gonna win
Welcome back into my life again

Welcome back into my life again
Welcome back into my life again

Come Back To Me - Princess Velasco

You say you got to go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you,
Come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you,
Come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here, waiting to see
You find you,
Come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bare
I can't fix you
I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you,
Come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you,
Come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here, waiting to see
You find you,
Come back to me

Ooooooh, ooooooh
You find you,
Come back to me
Ooooooh, ooooooh
When you find you,
Come back to me

When you find you,
Come back to me

Lesson 5 - Time doesn't heal all wounds

I bet one or even most of your friends have told you this phrase after the break-up that "Time heals all wounds" and that "Time will pass...". Indeed, time does pass but it does not heal. It is what you do with your life when time is passing that will heal you.It is like people are saying that "You just sit there and in time you will be okay already, no more pain, anger, hatred and fear; Time will wipe away all those feelings." Really? And do you believe that? I mean how long is this time? 3 months? 1 year? 3 years? That is just ridiculous.

 Though as time passed by, you do feel better but when something reminds you of your ex, you're back to square one again. Time can push trauma deep inside to hide the pain, but the root of the problem is still there, it isn't resolved; you're just covering it.

 The last tip I've got from Amelie is that the only way to heal is to walk straight through your pain and release it by taking action and not just by letting time pass by. So you need to get yourself together, don't waste time and don't rush time also; you may do does simple tips mentioned in my previous blog. Just remember time does not heal, but healing does take time.

Lesson 4 - Think about the Future

Losing someone could really be dreadful especially if you were not willing to give him up but had lost hope in trying since no matter how you tried to hold on to it, there's really nothing you can do if it is only you who is holding on. The sad part of losing that someone is that it is not only your relationship that is broken but also the friendship that you two have shared for months and even years. And you feel that you lost not only your lover but your bestfriend, your soulmate, and almost your everything; and you just can't imagine what the world could be without him anymore. Why is life so cruel? *Sigh.

Well, nobody said that life is easy, one must experience hardships and trials in life to be able to measure one's strengths and weaknesses. Life maybe hard, but everything lies in your hands, you are the only one who can control it. If you think that your life after the break-up will be dull, gloomy and meaningless then it will be, as they say 'What you think, You become".  

So instead of sulking and crying in bed all day, thinking what went wrong and asking all the endless WHYs; you must try to help yourself to stand up again, it really won't be easy but you just got to try each day. Just take small steps but don't rush things, take it one step at a time.

A tip from Amelie is to imagine yourself 20 to 30 years from now, imagine you are talking to your child or grandchild now, such a lovely child with a sweet smile in his/her face. You are telling him/her about your life story saying "I had a great life because ..... now you fill in the blank. This process a beginning of goal setting which she calls working backwards. Just continue imagining your life ahead, what you want to achieve, where you want to be. Do you see yourself in the future still lying in bed helpless and lifeless or do you see yourself enjoying life with your family and friends, having a good career and with someone with no face wrapping his arms around you?

I have lost my best friend, though I have other close friends but it's just not the same. He was someone I can turn to anytime even at midnight or wee hours in the morning, he was someone I can share my problems with openly and share almost just anything that pops out in my mind, he knows everything about me and vice versa. I really missed my old friend so much that there are nights that I wanted to contact him because I have no one to talk too about this and that; I just end up crying. I tried to fight for our relationship, when it didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be; I tried to fight again for our friendship this time. I don't know maybe it's just an alibi to get him back; it's like starting all over again as friends then more than friends. I really don't know my intentions at that moment, all I wanted was him. I wanted to be friends with him, we had an agreement before that no matter what happens will be BFF 'Best Friends Forever" which honestly is hard to accept now that we're in this situation. Okay so I had to get myself together again and bury the pass, slowly very slowly I'm trying to get over it but honestly until now I haven't. Sometimes I can say to myself that I'm okay now, but then the next thing I'm crying all over again. Stupid me. We'll at least I'm trying, it's better than just thinking about all the how's and why's that would make me cry. I tried imagining my future, I can see myself happy; happy with my family, friends, career and even with someone who has no face. Who that guy is, I really don't know. I just know that I want to be happy again, and someday I will be and that is what I will promise to myself.

As for Amelie's tip, I could say my life was great because ... I have YOU, I have met someone who loves me so dearly, I had traveled around the country and soon the world, I had a good career, and I have survived the struggles in life because I chose to be happy.  

Lesson 3 - Reminders be Gone

Even though how hard you try to forget your ex, it seems that nothing is working. Whatever you do and wherever you are he seems to be running in your mind, almost everything just reminds you of him. Well, okay maybe not all the time, but most of the time perhaps. You may be having fun with your friends but then just suddenly something reminds you of him, so instead of you wanting to have fun, you're stuck with the memories of him again. Why Oh Why? Well, Amelie explained that the smallest details will trigger a memory because they lie deep within your subconscious. So here comes tip no.3 - make small changes and socialize with people who didn't know you as a couple.

For girls, ever heard of "The break-up haircut theory"? I guess we all do. But really why do girls cut their hair after a breakup?

1. Freedom. You cut your hair to show to the whole world especially to your ex-boyfriend that you're FREE and that you're no longer "stuck" in the past. You are cutting off a part of you, a part of your past and wanting to start a new.

 2. Change. Sometimes it is purely because you want a change. You just need to look different to feel brand new and to have a fresh start to be able to boost your confidence when facing the world again.

3. Revenge. Some say that this is a technique to show to their ex-boyfriend what they are missing, that you look good and they just replaced you with a THAT kind of face? LOL. This is also a way to attract your new prospects.

Aside from the breakup haircut, you may also need to do some changes in your surroundings especially if it reminds you of your ex all the time. You may re-arrange your stuffs and put all the those things that will remind you of him in a box, I really don't like the idea of throwing and burning it away. Avoid also going to places that you used to go and things that you two used to do if possible.

Going out with friends is one way to ease the pain a bit, but it would be much better if those you hang out with during these times are those who doesn't know you as a couple. I'm not saying that you abandon your old friends, that would be just stupid but you have to try to mingle with others so that name of your ex wouldn't be mentioned in any topic.

In my case, I didn't go through that break-up haircut thingy, mine was a pre-break up. I cut my hair a week before our break-up, not that I was anticipating it already though I was a little but didn't really wanted it to happen. I just cut it so that if it would really happen, I don't like people to associate my haircut with my break-up and that's that. As for those reminders, those teddy bears he have given me I hid them in my cabinet but then my aunt found it and asked if she could placed it in her car as decoration which is totally fine with me.  I have only few reminders of him at home since as mentioned his not the romantic type so gifts are seldom. But I hate places though especially the mall which is near my office, memories just pop out everywhere, so I told myself not to go there anymore. And as for friends, I do think it would really be best to hang out with those who didn't know us as a couple because it pains me a lot that before he was with our group now someone is missing, and my friends are torturing me also though they are supportive in a way but mentioning his name would just tear me apart all over again. So now I am shutting my world as mentioned in other blogs, to avoid him, to avoid any contacts with him, and to avoid any topics about him. I just don't like to hear anymore that has to do with him,no more please.